never did i want to be here again and i don't remember why i came

read without worries, it's an old bit with some of the words changed but do be warned

since i kind of got started on this with pulling stuff from the notebooks i will be doing this one from memory of what is left....
I don't know how to settle down. i don't know how to sit still. i don't know how to take care. i don't know how to be careful. i write because i have to not because i want to. i hate every word you see. they are too much of me set in stone and any is too much. i burn with a fire i cannot explain. this is why i love the cold. i need to soothe it. smoother it as the words have done me. i will use my words against me. no, it's not you. it's not your fault. i just don't know how to do it. i don't think i want to. i want to voices to stop. i want the headaches to stop. i want to block it all out and send it strainght to hell. burn these words to burn the body that these words burn. i am cold and distant because i fear an injury. don't worry about me. there would be too much effort spent in that direction and it would all be wasted. just have a drink and a laugh and let me pass. i play with this shit all day in my head when all i want is some piece and quiet. a nice quiet bed to sleep in and a place to call home. before i burn the whole fucking thing down. faster and faster and still burning. i know less than i don't. i know of these things because i have been told but know so few truths. i doubt they could get through the blisters on my mind. it is not that i want to be alone so much as i know no one will ever understand. so i stay quiet and force my exile into the cold. i will watch and wait from a distance. and you will hopefully be none the wiser. i really want to care. i just don't know how. or is it that i don't know how to be normal? if there even is such a thing. it's just words that haunt my soul. or so i keep telling myself. now only if i could get some sleep. when all else fails fuck everything.

now that it is fixed....

there is something wrong here no denying 001

i don't remember a lot and haven't been told alot. i do not know what day it started but i do know that on sunday i greeted three state troopers into my house. those that know the facts can feel free to chime in. i know at least two of you have or can easily get the password to this account, and i am not in the habit of just openly sharing my passwords either. but years of putting up with me have earned you that at least. so please mark any of your clipppings if you choose to take this route. so now lets try to get from point a to b from multiple states and in small painful doses....

i don't remember how it started exactly. just some basics. i had a box in my office that had been collecting old and/or out dated prescriptions. it had maybe 15 bottles with no empties. most only contained what they were marked for. anti-depressants and pain killers. mostly just anti-depreessants. one that hadn't worked or i had lost or had stopped taking. in front of me i had the four scripts that i was suppose to be taking and was taking by the book. figure that one out. figure out where they went too because i do not know and i need them. so i brought this box out to the living room to do some scans of the pills for various ideas and then start tossing.well they sat there until what assume would be friday. then just as if part of my routine i started taking them 5 at a time with a very rare mix of black death. other than that there were no real motivators and that does not seem to be enough of one. i don't know exactly how many of what i took by the end but i know it was a large mixture. i actually fell asleep(?) in the chair. knocking the rest of my drink over as i stood up and to answer the phone. or maybe dial it. for some very screwed reason i was still emailing and calling people. if that is what you choose to call it. what i have seen and heard has absolutely no logic to it. this is probably the point that people started to worry.

picture my face in your hands. live for each second without hestitation.

so i am temping my ass out and in the middle of link-checking i came across these (and one, and two) items. pure art, i say. if i were a girl or the wig wearing sort of any nature, i would definately be bidding this one through the roof. i might even look at the rest of the auctions this person has up for grabs. ok so this is partially a cheap plug. i mean i will easily pimp my friends' wares, but i'm not that easy. colour and cut are great on these two.

asskmonkeymikey recommends the movie bandwagon and says this review does it no juctice. but he robs grocery store bank branches to pay for his bastard children.

by the way, if anybody here is in markerting or advertising...kill yourself

tired of not being able to find a Bill Hicks wallpaper, i decided to make one with the above image (and again using my weakened powers only for no good). if someone will tell me how to prep for mac users i will be more that happy to add a link to that version here (mac version might be here). this is a temp link for it. it will eventually be pieced into my site or something near it, when i get the wavs i am working on done. it will probably be filed in the noise section [well, something will be there anyway]. maybe someone can even verify .au files are easier for the mac. so now i suppose you want the facts about this (excessively edited) post...
khg-billsmood.bmp (right click and "save as...")
800 x 600
481k...or so

while we are on the subject, can someone please tell me this is a joke. if it is not, than it is a company destined for a short life. in his words, "that's all it ever was - a piece of shit"