a smile to hide the fear away oh smear this man across the walls

the little things that you have missed
1] two days of ods
2] checking myself in
3] found my pants but not my keys
4] me being called a stupid motherfucker.
5] words and pictures generated by hospital visit


email i sent my mother during my trip over the edge
i gota a woman i vea, house I have to vactat by the emf beguraur. and there is reason ti cocern, you ever though givin a mentaly ill patiens larg aabout of reeug/ They all suck too except i can;t want or calll
do ont send my posst card. iiit wi take care od thabel all oy. cdhech cleqars, orfer new chech, get atm card amd it's the one righ6 closes to the house. make sense because that is alway thr onr I usse. but they given't gie ,ae a toster, nastartds
i'm dtillslillbut rvralu medicated. and noy hust with foreigh new pwecription drugs. Emcept nnoo bei=ut is deriate ly fir

glow from the lights
if only could see the truth
about the beauty you hold inside
i could remind you all the time everyday
you take it but only to enjoy the ride
you need to see it as complete truth
the beauty you hold inside and out
see the glow from the lights
believe every bit as truth without a doubt

i hear you cry
i hear you cry my name
to wish me well in my travels

i hear you cry my name
to warn me on the Savannah

i hear you cry my name
to remind me to stay true

i hear you cry my name
you always held on to hope

i hear you cry my name
as you welcome me into your arms

there was only hope
when it finally began
after years of waiting
there was only hope

when everything went crazy
after years of holding back
there was only hope


when it was you
after me instead
there was only hope

then with the box closed
after such a simple mistake
there was only hope

and if nothing ever happened
after all the plans got changed
there would still only be hope

man will survive the harshest conditions and stay alive through difficult decisions

You will swallow some tacks. You are a little
weird, maybe not so much in a good way. Buy a
yellow tie and wear it on your head.
What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?

let's cover a couple of things here. Rant Level: 10 - Sleep Level: 00 I do a lot of things because they just seem right at the time. sometimes I makes bad choices.and I do not do things like that of recent for attention or pity. i could find much more fun way to do that. taking over 100 prescription pills in two days is not a cry of attention. A test of fate maybe, but deffinately not attention. it was just that doing it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Sometimes you take the bet, and sometimes you win. the only regret that I have about it, is that I made the ones closet to me worry so much. but now I quit. I'll work the hours they want me too. punch out on schedule. this is part the reason i find a fear of spiders and what not so funny. their only so many times you can knock at death door before you stop running and become friends. Penny once said something about me not doing anything with more that 10 seconds notice. I always try to come up with an argument against that and always fail. never even had enough time to write a note. I wrote stuff but that was all after the fact. after everything had kicked in full force. but what would i say anyway? "man this place sucks"? "i'm so sad and lonely"? "the scars on my heart are deeper than any you will ever know?" I just really don't think so. i did have a reason that a very few heard and is also the biggest part of why i am not social. i have caused others too much pain, and i hurt too easily

simple to say in such short words as are a lot of things. sometimes i like to think that some years after my passing some of my words will be worthy of quotation. In reality i know that is bullshit. "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."-Ralph Waldo Emerson. So says he. I use quotes a lot. This si because, well, anything i say would not as great or would just be repeating the facts. so why take someone's words and call them yours. even if it is some dizzy whore. if i know that i am baically just repeating someone else, or my self even, i always try to give credit. sometimes ideas are all you have. sometimes ideas are all that are left of a person. sometimes even after all memory and facts have faded, the ideas remain. sometimes this really gets in the way of my writing, other times I just don't give a shit. This is why you should take quotes i use here with a little salt. on so of them, i can't stand the song, but the words are good. others, i would kill you if you even thought about dising then. do I look like I'm kidding?

i cannot remember who got me hooked on the term "device" (prbably that ODCer) but that is how I use song quotes. they are the device I started using early on for the post subjects. it was an easy answer to one of my old problems. yeah it makes as little sense as 4000 untitled post but atleast this way it makes sense. maybe you know the songs, that is fine. But when i use them, i rarely mean anyting outside of those words. they are usually a good indicator for the mood of the post. those that know me, know that this is a big part of me. The current music also helps to set the mood. when i see something I have not heard on someonelses lj, i look it up right away. don't give me that copyright bullshitt either. with all the music i have bought that was pure crap and bought in mutiple formats, i have earned the right to shove my foot up the riaa's fat bloated asses. oh, yeah, i'm all for stciking to the man, it's just that most of the time, well, i don't care. so anyway...the music says as much as the posts. you either feel it or you don't.

this is why there is a sountrack to my life. with 1000plus cds plus this plus blahblahblah, i have a few special songs and albums that have saved my life more times than i care to count. and many more that i don't even remember. there is a fine line i waddle back and forth on. sometimes I hear the right song at the right moment and alll is well. the wrong one and it is not just my day that is shot to hell. Some comic book thing. The gods talk through the songs on the radio. i do believe that. i even the shittest song can sound right if it comes from the heart. that same tattered scard heart that keeps us all alive. keeps us going.


Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.
- - Theme From Cheers

For all the weed that I've smoked - yo this blunt's for you
To all the people I've offended - yeah fuck you too!
To all the friends I used to have - yo I miss my past
But the rest of you assholes can KISS MY ASS
For all the drugs that I've done - yo I'm still gon' do
To all the people I've offended - yeah fuck you too!
For everytime I reminisce - yo I miss my past
But I still don't give a fuck, y'all can KISS MY ASS
- - Eminem - Still Don't Give A Fuck Lyrics

seemingly random connections
one Jennifer talks about frozen in the woods
one Jennifer talks about making a blanket
and no one liked the gun picture

...and all is well that takes us all to hell

you are supreme the chicks will creme

since i have been playing in my off time, i though i would make a fresh image that everyone does not hate. it looks like crap because i am just playing but i thought some of you would like seeing something a litlle cheery even coming from my direction. i was going for that whole "50,000 watts of maximum rock" feel. i know it needs to be darker and maybe blink a little. other than that lets see some spirit fingers if i succeded.

[i forgot to mention that the stars came from a picture my younger sister took]