allin Khg

hollowed sold
never let em see you sweat
never let em see you regrets
never let em see all the things
you can never seem to forget

all the places youve been
that you never wanted to know
all the open wounds
letting the agony flow
all the days getting ready
just to make the next show

never let em see your best
never let em put you to the test
never let em know about
the ideas that never let you rest

more scars on top of more scars
the damage has been done
yet you never want to tell
who lost and who was the one
let them think they know
while they make thier fun

my mother and i tore apart my care and replaced the valve cover gasket. now my car doesnt go. its fixable but after sitting beside the highway in 20* weather i just really want to deal with it for a while. or anything else for that matter. it was bad enough that i had to order the gasket off ebay to get a descent price and get it in time. when i called around about it i was told 5-10 business days at $40-$60 plus freight. so i got one off ebay for $21. not the prefered method for getting car parts but apparently when you drive a daewoo (or have one parked in your driveway) you dont really have a whole lot of options. i still need to do the plugs and wires since when i pulled the wires (all of them. at. the. same. time. has to be done to do this job.) the boots on them were nice little depth guages for the oils pooled there. normally i would just go out and get them but lets just pretend for a minute that i can do that with any part for my car. @!@!@!@XXX###XXX!@!@!@!@. at least i got the vacuum leak on the pandys car fixed before doing this. and by leak i mean the hose was pretty much completely shot to shit. so now i have a paper weight of sorts. estimates on repair are $30 to $3000. a couple of oil changes might fix it. or it might mean a complete engine rebuild.

since i was already pissed off and frustrated to the nth degree i decided that to get my mind off of it i would work on cloning my primary hard drive. cloning a partitioned 200g hard drive to a 500g sata drive connected via usb cable. oh and lets not forget that that not all of the partitions are of the same file system. of course i was trying to do the impossible and do it while actually using the drive. just like taking a picture of a moving object. that didnt work. then i had to try several different pieces of software to find one that would do the job. hours and hours of entertainment. i also had a very real fear of running out of drive letters while doing this. and doing this took me all the way to v:. i still havent gotten the nerve to swap the drives out and do the full test. at which time i also have to put in my new burner. this whole project has been waiting for attention since june so i think it can wait a few days to be completed.

now would probably be a good time for breaking rocks for my rock garden. hella good stress reliever and layer one is pretty close to conpletion. if i can get this phase done before winter really sets it will be all nice and ready for the top pretty layer when spring rolls around. its actually looking like it will be a pretty nice thing. never mind the fact that i am doing my damnedest to not use cement or sandstone for any of it. there is sandstone there now but it will be removed when the real rocks get moved it. other than the birdbath the only cement should be the chunch from love canal. this is not a flowering rock garden. its just a bunch of rocks. with the centerpiece will be a meteorite...that i have yet to acquire.

remember this: winter solstice is the reason for the season. so while you are killing animals and family members in order practice these oddball holiday traditions keep in mind that no matter how bad it seems it really could be much worse. and it will be. merry god damned xmess. now lets go watch godzilla vs mithra. it will be fun

now i guess i will head off to the mall to start my holiday shopping. im crazy not stupid. i havent been to a mall since october or so. dont plan to adjust that now.

evergreens sparkling snow get this winter over with

i am not 100 percent happy with the third verse and i am not sure all of the connections and couter actions are clear enough. some day i am going to sit someone down for a nice long talk about publishing companies and such. maybe i need to add that to my list.

...with you glock out

raised on the streets
piqued by the savage taste
the man with the money
just another one to waste
shudder with excitement
taking action in haste

little man hungry for action
as hes grasping at the locks
minding the monies
while watching the clock
one in the chamber
and ready to rock

walking the streets
avoiding the probing eyes
passing the buck
for a bind that ties
shudder with excitement
tasting those leather thighs

little man hungry for action
as hes grasping at the locks
minding the monies
while watching the clock
one in the chamber
and ready to rock

getting off the streets
to make a special deal
no one gets hurt
in a place where no one squeals
he shot his load
but he didnt get to se the heels


and the truth came out
and everything got cut
short

not really wanting sympathy so much as a way to deal with it. but too not really wanting to discuss it so i will try to answer any possible questions so you dont have to ask. however if i missed something do feel free to ask and eventually i will answer. i am cutting details left and right on this but the basics are all you need. and even that is more than you will want. eh maybe.

when i was in fouth/fifth grade this organization that we were in had it international meeting in winnipeg. i was excited because i was leaving the country for the first time. and i got to get away from the torment of certain classmates. and my parents wernt there. my older sister was as well as the father and daughter from what amounts to our co-family. i always liked to travel. the one draw back was that i liked it so much i could rarely sleep in a moving car. and a bus trip this long was no different. i had to have a window seat. there was so much to see. if only for a few seconds. on the extremely long bus trip i got maybe a couple of hours of sleep. i had to see everything i could.

because of that i crashed when we got to the hotel room. the had the rooms divided up boys and girls in different rooms and one or two adults depending on space available. well the adults got up early to see about adult morning convention things. thus leaving the kids to get ready unattended. because of me not sleeping on the bus i was not wanting to wake up when the morning came. so the boys in the room i was in and the one next door decided the would wake me up with belts. of the five or six in the room it was the three highshoolers that were the ones doing the actual hitting. getting progressivly harder as the went on. at some point i started screaming for help and for them to stop. at the point that i covered my head with the pillow to try to protect it i know the screaming became useless. shortly there after they started using the buckles.

they finally stopped when they actually started to think they might get in trouble for doing it. i took advantage of the pause to hop out of bed and put my pants on. and ran out into the hallway. i was sitting on some stairs crying when an adult walked up and asked me if i was ok. i was all set to tell everything but fate was not so kind. as she walked up i had just realized my pants were ripped. so all i said was 'my pants are ripped' to this she responded with some passive 'it will be ok' response and went on. [dead space in the memory]

i basically went through the motions for the rest of the trip. the following night i got very little sleep. first one up and out of the room. the night after was the bus ride home. and i slept almost the entire ride. looking back i am and am not surprised that no one saw any bruises. or noticed any behaviour changes.

i guess i never told anyone about this because in talking to my parents about it very recently they were both unaware of anything like this happening. prior to this happening i had tried being a normal kid. to fit in. we were part of this organization. i went to church every sunday. had a paper route. was in cub scouts. after this i guess i gave up trying. i had enough scars and injuries from trying so why even try. i wa never a normal kid so just stick me in a corner and leave me the fuck alone.

trail bie aire
counting the days
counting the hours
but going back for missing seconds
if i had to guess
and because i do
i am sure i would mar that lesson

the house stands empty
maybe once it was a home
but never under your glow
now we alot our time
serving our crimes
as overspent youth begins to show

a nation away
from all those dreams
that leave no time for sleep
just noise and toys
millions of overrated joys
waiting for the recall of cheap

the pope by meryn cadell
it began as a regular day in my room with a cup of hot black coffee.
well, sure i was depressed, but i always am,
some people love life, well not me.
but then the choppers came
two by two by ten
announcing apocalypse of a different kind
so i ran out of my room, ran down the stairs,
down the street, into nathan phillips square
people, people running and horses everywhere, yeah

the pope, pope, pope, pope, pope.
we all here to see the pope, pope, pope, pope, pope.
well, you got your pope pennants, buttons, your pope clothes,
you got your pope binoculars to see him up close
and i cried when i saw that man in white.
i cried, much to my surrounders' delight.
i cried, 'cause i couldn’t breathe anymore; i cried
'cause people were stepping on my feet.
hey, hey mr. holiness way over there,
maybe we love you, but we're sadly lacking air.

well i love that man, pope john paul the 3rd
i love him probably more than he deserves.
okay, so he persecutes homosexuals, does not believe in abortion,
visits with kurt waldheim and tells us not to take the pill ...
there’s still a certain je ne sais quoi –
some peace, some love, some goodwill.

yeah, the pope, pope, pope, pope, pope.
we all here to see the pope, pope, pope, pope, pope.
well, you got your pope pennants, buttons, your pope clothes,
you got your pope binoculars to see him up close
and i cried when i saw that man in white.
i cried, much to my surrounders' delight.
i cried, 'cause i couldn’t breathe anymore; i cried
'cause people were stepping on my feet.
hey, hey mr. holiness way over there,
maybe we love you, but we're sadly lacking air.

then he scooted away in that great popemobile
i was feeling so trampled, i didn’t know what else to feel
then we all kissed the ground where john paul had been ...
i can hardly wait till someone famous comes to town again.
yeah, the pope, pope, pope, pope, pope.
uh huh, the pope, pope, pope, pope, pope, pope, pope.