he thought the day that he died would be a normal day for the people on the other side 002

documentations of insanity



the numbering is completely out of order and will only get worse. do you really expect things like this to sit at the front of someones memory? "I'm worst at what I do best and for this gift I feel blessed" - Nirvana. Ishould probably ask some of my friends about the ones they can remember. There is a general statement that I cannot find a good example so I give you that one here. It's hard to be afraid, when you don't care. This is the second and last part to this though I may go back and add more in, if I get reminded of them.

007] - one night hanging out at the club, Diane and I were talking about this kind of thing. we decided we could try something new together. so we did a lot of walking around and crossing steets without looking. we ended up laughing abouut it because we both expected to get hit but people were stopping without even honking.

008] - My last few weeks in Carbondale, I did everything I could to try to drink myself to death. It was during this time period that I smoked pot for the second and last time in my life. I had no reason to care so I didn't. My last night in town I went through two pints and two 40's, plus stuff people had given me.. then i made the waalk to the bus station. I was upset because I had a lot liquor in my system but was still very aware and coherent. i was not expecting to actually make it onto that bus. Man it sucks having such a high tolerence to alcohol.

009] - Debi and I were having a fight while driving home from work one night. She was driving down a service road to the highway doing about 40 mph. Before I even knoew what was going on, I had opened the door. I had just gotten the seatbelt as she slammed on the brakes. This made the fight even worse, but what did you expect?

010] - Right after I moved from Boston to New Jersey, I was having a lot of bad days. This was a point were I was completely gone, I can not even remember the number of times I tried or thought about during this time. On the other hand, this is what caused me to actually start going to therapy. There is one incident I do remember. I had taken 25-30 benadryl. When Debi noticed that the bottle was almost empty she made me calll either poison control or the number on the bottle. I told her, and them, that I had only taken about ten. when ever I got off the phone, I told her they said that I should be OK, but just keep an eye on the situation. What they actually said was that I should go to the hospital immediately. In the end it made me a little groggy but seemed to have no serious adverse effects.

011] - twice in two months I took too many pills while taking on the phone to some of my good friends. I did not tell them until after the fact. I was not on the phone to get support. I was on the phone to talk to them. I did not feel they needed to be bothered by me and my petty problems. There are no tying up losoe ends for me. Eventually I got to tired to continue the coversation and went to sleep for a day. Never even bothered to tell the person that was actually in the house with me. I did not want her help at all

012] - the girl that stole my virginity would often let me drive her car, even though I did not have a license. One night we were sitting at the intersection of of 63rdd and NW Expressway. I was letting the car forward as the traffic crossed. I was thinking about gunning it if a tractor trailer came throuugh. I saw onr coming. Ready to go. Then she dropped it into neutral and said something about how she had thought about that too but it was her parents car.

013] -

"Just get me to the airport
And put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain "
- The Ramones

I Am

Which tarot card are you?
Suspended decision. Initiation, divination, prophecy. Turning point in psychic powers. Trust in inner voice. Suspension, change, reversal, boredom, abandonment, sacrifice, readjustment, improvement, rebirth He usually represents a time of feeling in limbo, being stuck or being prevented from moving forward. He's usually depicted hanging upside down with his hands tied - that's just what it feels like! We need to remain flexible and willing to let go of things, it's probably a time for sacrifice. Like the man in this card from the Murciano Tarot, don't sweat it, take some time out and be patient. The Hanged Man - External Meaning: Spiritual awareness and the happiness and assuredness it brings. Sacrificing for a noble purpose. Reveral of one's current way of life. Inner peace. Developed intuition and prophecy. Esoteric Meaning: The spirit of the mighty waters. Reversing false images. Sacrifice. Energys: Water

you can't ignore the beauty in the things that you love

another stupid poll thing that i stole from someone else and notes for future posts

never understood a single word he said

three things that scare me:
loss of all ideas, friends making stupid mistakes, that I'll give up the fight
three people who make me laugh:
mike, jennifer, penny
three things i love:
my friends and family, as much information as possible, traveling
three things i hate:
dishonesty, cruel/stupid people, not being able to read faster
three things i don't understand:
paper money, quantum physics (or physics for that matter. or quantum anything for that matter), life
three things on my desk:
pills, papers, programs
three things i'm doing right now:
pondering the last steps on the hdd shift, listening to some of my sisters mp3's, trying to wake up but having to wait for the meds to wear off a little more (or pills papers, programs)
three things i want to do before i die:
have children, live in Alaska, break into the big picture and leave my mark
three things i can do:
cause pain worry and concern, fuck shit up like i always do, eat an entire large pizza in one sitting
three ways to describe my personality:
dull, boring, curious
three ways to describe my looks:
messy, dirty and ugly
three things i can't do:
type, control myself, think straight
three things i think you should listen to:
your family, your heart, more kinds of music
three things i don't think you should listen to:
broadcast news, politicians, racial comments
three things i say the most:
actually, i have a question for you, fuck you
three of your absolute favourite foods:
blueberry muffins, pumpkin pie, cereal
three things you'd like to learn:
programming, several languages, the truth
three beverages you drink regularly:
diet coke, milk, dr pepper
three shows you watched when you were a kid:
twilight zone, benerly hillbillies, dukes of hazzard

i can't believe the guy could be entirely dead

[notes to self about future posts and stories. clues that will not really make much sense]

famous faces ringfinger kyles subway series my life in storage out of mass
dying and dead crushes it's a small world black death built on a gun
sids (maybe w/ guns) head injury dropping and driving mass ps
books recomend archival and worldwide effigies of past lives joe mama
jahmanji all apologies nirvanas beer (maybe w/ famous faces) the count
seeing the sizes resume lack of training ambulance chasing
fifty bucks and a new battery bill and the boys (maybe w/ famous faces) fight girl
first one is free stand up stand out plagerized twelve year olds
hand shoot flatten disaster follows the t word back and forth monster first and last
strip teases old old poems bold but not when it comes to money fire works
die before I get old juniors cut and paste trip rules concepts of paper money
big black bears corolla water dump what goes up i must come down friends femmes
more random rants for alice the camel be a leader not a follower leaving las vegas

and to do...
print all for 'exhibit a'
strike when done
make other icons and open account
find more friends
fix gif/add blanks
note edits and back datings
open private or close all


[edited 01/26/03 - spelling errors/some text added]

I was born to bring trouble to wherever I'm at Got the number thirteen tattooed on my neck

I am having a serious debate with myself. I am thinking I should lock down all of my posts (ie private) except for a few of them and the ones for the current day. If you want to vote, you can add it to the comments , email or try to call me. I plan on making my decision by tuesday morning. I just feel that it is not worth it to keep almost a hundred posts up that no one ever reads. so it would make findiing thiings a lot easier because there would be less stuff here. plus my multiple posts would not clutter up the few friends lists i am on. i am really unsure about doing this. it just seems like the best idea. either you're for it or you ain't. as a courtesy to non live jouranl users I am going to re-allow anonymouss comments until this issue is resolved. while you're at it you might be so kind as to let me know if you want more images or more words. or neither. and no this is not a fair vote. some will hold more weight than others.

Now on with the rest of this very long multi part post

---

you want it rough you're out of bounds

this was an idea i came up with after seeing the stickers and stencils all over boston. i finally took the five minutes to do it. but it might change when I find a better font to use. but that may take me another six years. see, evntually i work my way around to some ideas. if you click on the picture, it will take you to the people responsible for this entire mess. before you go off about it...i know it's in bad taste, i know if he were still alive he could easily kick my ass, i also know that i thought it was funny and still do.

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wrap my soul in bandages i'm tired of this war

so driving home from my doctors appoinment on friday, i had a very weird experiemce. was driving along just thinking about things. I had my hand out the window enjoying what was a nicer day than what it has been lately. and i start fidgeting like i always do. and then i freaked out for a second. i didn't know why or what was wrong. it was like i just realize i was bleeding badly or something. then i looked at the part of my hand that had caused this. and kind of laughed to myself. there was no ring. i had noticed that i had a habit of twirling it on my finger some time ago. never intentionally and usually not even noticing. i even mentioneed it when i took it off. i asked about what i was going to play with now. too make it worse i cannot find my ring box the replace it with something else. I have worn a ring on that finger for six or seven years now. yes that is a few years longer than i have been married. for all practicle puposes it was a part of me. it was only a very rare occasion that either of the rings came off,. even then it was very reluctantly. it's like not wearing pants or something. I kind of laughed at the whole thing but it kind of made me sad.

now this opens up a quandry. what to do with the ring. i don't want to keep it but i can't just throw it away. it was not an expensive ring but the emotional value will not allow me to toss it. however that is the reasson i do not want to keep it either. i am not all that supersticious or new agey, but i would not feel comfortable giving it to someone else. it is the whole band karma thing. in the end i will probably do to it the same thing that happened to the last one. make and effigy out of it and put it in a box that i never look into. why isn't there some kind of custom for this kind of thing? or is there? if there isn't, i think we need to come up with one. now only if i could find my ring box. but hey if i found it, with everything else that is with it, i could get totally gothed out

---

it's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal

i am not watching the super bowel for a couple of reasons. the first one is that i couldn't care less about football. the other is a matter of principle. i would love to watch it to see the halftime show and the comercials, but i can't. with each commercial costing over two million dollars, it just seeems rediculous. just thinking about that kind of money being shelled our for commercial greed with so many people in this country (as well as the rest of the world) in some kind of need. and the the fact that the NFL will be making just as much money off of tickets, parking, consessions, etc. it really pisses me off. i mean the commercials and such maybe better than you average day-to-day ones, but at what price? Then to top it off a good portion of them only get shown that once. no commercial or product is that special. what i would like to see is a company make two or three really good commercial, play them all year and donate all the money they saved to a charity or something. They could even split it up between several charities, and still be giving them each the lagest checks they have ever received. I would support that company just for that. then there is the fact that they are preaching to the choir with all the beer ads they show. having these plastic bimbos pitching a beer to millions of drink husbands that are too busy watching the game to pay attention to their wives or children. and the fucking laguage a lot of them use makes it even worse. ok, for most of them that is they same old, same old. and guys, you have no chance with her. you couldn't afford it. give up the dream. now wioth that said, i am going to go get drunk on beer that does not taste like shit and play video games. why not? i don't have a wife or children to ignore. As for the wives, i will bet too many of you are more than happy when he passes out early. just because he finally shuts up and quits trying to tell you all the stats and scores for every past game and why this team is better than that one. no one cares.

and two side notes to that...
what do sex in a canoe and american beer have in common?
they're both fucking close to water.

I have to give humor and 'no bs' points to kotex for their current commercials. "Kotex. Period." and it's a little red one at that. almost topo subtle but still damn funny. of course the womens probably don't think it's as funny

i haven't felt the way I feel today in so long it's hard for me to specify

poems and images about the suffering of black death vodka and the t word


the first one was written just now and the other two were written circa 1991. Eventually I will actually explain the fulll story but for now you either half to suffer, or you already know the whole messy story.. i do not care for the titles on the old ones but it does not feel right to change them. Please accept an apology on that matter. images were pulled from the same note books that contaoned the last two poems. they will reappear with the rest of the story. i hope you enjoy this one. it hurt then. it hurts now.

Reopening The Wound
the bottle has been uncorked
the song have been sung
he bought you all those flowers
to lay beside his grave

the children game to play
as you were walking out the door
always though it was better
to lose what you could save

there was dust on the bottle
and the tape had been destroyed
and for some unknown reason
all this made you smile

i heard you moved out west
to try to beat the deal
you mother always taught you
to chance that extra mile

it never could have lasted
singing that corrosion
yet i still carried the torch
for many years too long

you had to get you money
for the very last time
so little of the story left
please fuck off and so long



My Bottle Of Black Death
this bottle that reminds me of you
reminds me of where i've been
i've always liked vodka now and then
this is being saved for you and your memory
when your gone off with someone new
leaving me to glue the pieces together
i'll start this bottle and think of you
i'll drink you all the way to the bottom
then maybe run through the streets
telling the world how sad it feels to be free
telling myself that the freedom is good
i got played the fool and it's over
lost myself in a place far away
drinking you away as i walk back to look
sleeping with the hollow i've got
singing myself to sleep with the blues
and if this bottle is not enough to do
i'll buy as many as it takes
i'll drink you all the way to the bottom
of every stinking one of them
ill toss them all away the next morning
wish it well and say goodbye to you
goodbye to you in a way you'll never know


More On The Black Death
and what could be more appropreate?
killing the pain
killing the memories
remembering that part of me that died
killed by harsh realities
filled by this forbidden saviour
and a hand full of cigarette butts
i'll do it alone
that's the only way i know how
it's got to be me in there
me alone
i don't care what they say
they're not wearing my shoes
wouldn't want to either
all the cigarette gone
that's when it will be over
that's when i'll start my life over
it can never be that easy
it's not going to be either
i'm just taking my time
longing for that day - someday
when i can kill that bottle
give the black death a turn
to kill the rest of the pain
all in due time
all i need right now is time
and maybe another cigarette



[edit: 012703 - images added/some content added]