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disturbing processes
so I got to thinking about the current state of affairs and thought maybe I should try to document the times I have tried to off it. most of them before I ever even began to consider professional help. if I get through this one I will cover friends and asssociates next. These are not recomendations. I am not asking for help or sympathy. I am just trying to figure out the way it was processed. I will try to keep only to the fact as I remember them. As always I will try to put them in sequentual order as much as I can. I know I will not be able to remember them all but you'll get the idea.If this bother of concerns you I recommed you stop reading now. and don't even think of giving me any of that religious crap. I have my own beliefs and I will win that arguemeent. and hey we all get stupid sometimes. just some of us are better at it.
001] - First time I ever took ephidrine and I took around 25 of them. This was before the DEA and such got the dosage and mixtures changed. 50mg pure. I strted feeling jittery so I laid down in bed and thought I could go to sleep. I would lay there for about 5 minutes then sit straight up as if I had just heard a gunshot. I had not heard anything but that was the type of behavior.This went on for 30 minutes to an hour. I descided I should go take a show because I was sweating so much. It felt really good except i kept scratichng so much. Then it went from bad to worse. My face started itching really bad. My eyes got really dry. As the itching continued it stung a thousand prick as if some one had pulled all of the skin off my face. So I dried off and went and layed down with my face buried in the pillow. I did not want my dad, step mother, or sister to hear me screaming. so i was trying to not screm. at least muffle the sound. I finally got to sleep that friday night and did not wake up until saturday evening. and stilll very out of it. mostly groggy.
002] - trying to hang myself in my closet but it wos choking not a snap. maybe Joyce and I could finally hang out together. I finally gave up but had a bit of trouble regaining my breath. this was very late at night. the next day, my dad and I were going somewhere and he asked me what the bruise on my next was. Did I try to hang myself or something? what bruise?! checked the mirror. I told him I must have gotten tangled up in the sheets or something. I had no idea. this is actually poosible because of the way I move around and toss and turn. Then the subject was dropped.
003] - Talking to S on the phone i was cutting little cross pattterns into my wrists with a scaple blade. barely breaking the shin really. then I went a bit too deep and said ow. she asked me what I did so i told her. then the drama started. Freddy was listening on another phone then I heard a click. I told her I was going to walk up to Braum's and get a banana split. I really wanted one and I thought it would help me feel better. she is telling me that I shouldn't do that. that i should just stay home. an arguement over a banana split. like that was the issue at hand. then it was explained to me in no simple terms. Knock! Knock! Police! Time to buttom up the sleeves and becareful with my hand gestures. 'A friend of yours called and said you are having some problems.' No. 'Is one of your parents at home.' Not right now but my dad should be home any moment. 'We'll just hang out here until he gets here.' Ok, whatever, you want something to drink or something? 'No thank you' Then my dad gets home. "what's going on?" 'could we talk to you for a minute sir?'..."You will be going to see a doctor as soon as I can get one scheduled. what were you thinking?" The whole time no one ever saw the blood that had dripped a little ways down my hand.
006] - Sitting in the bath tub with a shotgun. i was going to do it. T got scared, rightfully so and dialed 911. She finally got me calmed down alot. then there was a knock at the door. 'Some here call 911?' "yes but it was a mistake, we were having an argument and i was worried about him'" 'So are you sure everything is fine' "It's all settled now, sorry to bother you" 'Have a good night miss' dorr closes. "keep that in mind next time you want to do that" [moved to proper order]
004] - the girl i was living with at the time came home with pupils that made her look like she was a deer in headlights. after many questions of what she had taken while she was out, and her denying it all, she finally said she had taken several dramamine. I said ok whatever and told her she was sleeping on the couch. I knew that was not what she took but there was no point in arguing. The next evening I had to do some quick grocery shopping. just a bag or two worth. While I was there i picked up a box. so J and I are talking while I am putting the things away. then she sees the box and aks why I bought it. i told here I was going to test her statement, it was my turn. anyone that knows me, knows i am spiteful beyond belief. this was her chance to tell me the truth. i may not like it at all but it is always better than lying to me. I never expect angels in my circle of friends, but I do expect complete honesty. Well she never came out with it so I head of to the bead room with the box and a drink. I told her to leave me alone for a while I was going to work on something. Failed to mention that is was one of the two blister packs in the box. she came in right as I fiished up because she could not find wheere the box went. 'Please tell me you did not take those' My smile spoke for me. She apologized then went off to the living room to cry. Ended up being very similar to item 001 but worse so. i was so sick to my stomach. it hurt so bad but I could not through up. She still never let me know the truth. And if you really want to know that relationship was ended because of her drug usage and lying. Mostly the lying.
005] - i do not remember this one but I told mike about it and he regularly feels the need to remind me of it. Same apartment as item 004. when she was not around. I believe after she was gone. wlaking around in my sleep only to wake up with my head insde the oven. This is the same night I took all of the eggs out of the carton andd put them next to it. must have wanted a cake or something.
maybe i'll finish this later, but you get the idea. also, most past post may soon be snuffed out so there is anything you want to read, you better do it now. i am letting you know now, instead of after the fact like I normally do. But also this is a maybe. but a very big one.
Spearhead - Caught Without An Umbrella
[settle down. it's just a pellet gun. and one without any ammo.]
so I got to thinking about the current state of affairs and thought maybe I should try to document the times I have tried to off it. most of them before I ever even began to consider professional help. if I get through this one I will cover friends and asssociates next. These are not recomendations. I am not asking for help or sympathy. I am just trying to figure out the way it was processed. I will try to keep only to the fact as I remember them. As always I will try to put them in sequentual order as much as I can. I know I will not be able to remember them all but you'll get the idea.If this bother of concerns you I recommed you stop reading now. and don't even think of giving me any of that religious crap. I have my own beliefs and I will win that arguemeent. and hey we all get stupid sometimes. just some of us are better at it.
001] - First time I ever took ephidrine and I took around 25 of them. This was before the DEA and such got the dosage and mixtures changed. 50mg pure. I strted feeling jittery so I laid down in bed and thought I could go to sleep. I would lay there for about 5 minutes then sit straight up as if I had just heard a gunshot. I had not heard anything but that was the type of behavior.This went on for 30 minutes to an hour. I descided I should go take a show because I was sweating so much. It felt really good except i kept scratichng so much. Then it went from bad to worse. My face started itching really bad. My eyes got really dry. As the itching continued it stung a thousand prick as if some one had pulled all of the skin off my face. So I dried off and went and layed down with my face buried in the pillow. I did not want my dad, step mother, or sister to hear me screaming. so i was trying to not screm. at least muffle the sound. I finally got to sleep that friday night and did not wake up until saturday evening. and stilll very out of it. mostly groggy.
002] - trying to hang myself in my closet but it wos choking not a snap. maybe Joyce and I could finally hang out together. I finally gave up but had a bit of trouble regaining my breath. this was very late at night. the next day, my dad and I were going somewhere and he asked me what the bruise on my next was. Did I try to hang myself or something? what bruise?! checked the mirror. I told him I must have gotten tangled up in the sheets or something. I had no idea. this is actually poosible because of the way I move around and toss and turn. Then the subject was dropped.
003] - Talking to S on the phone i was cutting little cross pattterns into my wrists with a scaple blade. barely breaking the shin really. then I went a bit too deep and said ow. she asked me what I did so i told her. then the drama started. Freddy was listening on another phone then I heard a click. I told her I was going to walk up to Braum's and get a banana split. I really wanted one and I thought it would help me feel better. she is telling me that I shouldn't do that. that i should just stay home. an arguement over a banana split. like that was the issue at hand. then it was explained to me in no simple terms. Knock! Knock! Police! Time to buttom up the sleeves and becareful with my hand gestures. 'A friend of yours called and said you are having some problems.' No. 'Is one of your parents at home.' Not right now but my dad should be home any moment. 'We'll just hang out here until he gets here.' Ok, whatever, you want something to drink or something? 'No thank you' Then my dad gets home. "what's going on?" 'could we talk to you for a minute sir?'..."You will be going to see a doctor as soon as I can get one scheduled. what were you thinking?" The whole time no one ever saw the blood that had dripped a little ways down my hand.
006] - Sitting in the bath tub with a shotgun. i was going to do it. T got scared, rightfully so and dialed 911. She finally got me calmed down alot. then there was a knock at the door. 'Some here call 911?' "yes but it was a mistake, we were having an argument and i was worried about him'" 'So are you sure everything is fine' "It's all settled now, sorry to bother you" 'Have a good night miss' dorr closes. "keep that in mind next time you want to do that" [moved to proper order]
004] - the girl i was living with at the time came home with pupils that made her look like she was a deer in headlights. after many questions of what she had taken while she was out, and her denying it all, she finally said she had taken several dramamine. I said ok whatever and told her she was sleeping on the couch. I knew that was not what she took but there was no point in arguing. The next evening I had to do some quick grocery shopping. just a bag or two worth. While I was there i picked up a box. so J and I are talking while I am putting the things away. then she sees the box and aks why I bought it. i told here I was going to test her statement, it was my turn. anyone that knows me, knows i am spiteful beyond belief. this was her chance to tell me the truth. i may not like it at all but it is always better than lying to me. I never expect angels in my circle of friends, but I do expect complete honesty. Well she never came out with it so I head of to the bead room with the box and a drink. I told her to leave me alone for a while I was going to work on something. Failed to mention that is was one of the two blister packs in the box. she came in right as I fiished up because she could not find wheere the box went. 'Please tell me you did not take those' My smile spoke for me. She apologized then went off to the living room to cry. Ended up being very similar to item 001 but worse so. i was so sick to my stomach. it hurt so bad but I could not through up. She still never let me know the truth. And if you really want to know that relationship was ended because of her drug usage and lying. Mostly the lying.
005] - i do not remember this one but I told mike about it and he regularly feels the need to remind me of it. Same apartment as item 004. when she was not around. I believe after she was gone. wlaking around in my sleep only to wake up with my head insde the oven. This is the same night I took all of the eggs out of the carton andd put them next to it. must have wanted a cake or something.
maybe i'll finish this later, but you get the idea. also, most past post may soon be snuffed out so there is anything you want to read, you better do it now. i am letting you know now, instead of after the fact like I normally do. But also this is a maybe. but a very big one.
Spearhead - Caught Without An Umbrella
[settle down. it's just a pellet gun. and one without any ammo.]
