Apr. 15th, 2003

empallin: ukraine (Default)
if you are not logged in and such, you are missing something today. not what i wanted to do but had to.


how stupid is it?
won't you give me a minute
just come up to me and say hello

in yesterdays post, i said i could go on and on with examples of my small world. i was in a hurry when i said that. there are some more examples that i wanted to share. i am going to start with the times i got hit with. some of these will be, or are being repeated, in some of the stories. i am putting them all together here to kind of clarify the point. some are more likely than others but because are being included to emphasize the point. some of them are still going to be left out, so that i don't completely ruin the story that i am working on. so do in we go. in no particular order, per the norm.

i was walking around albertson's one night with my mother. we had seen these three coolies walking around while the male of the group bounced a marble around. he wasn't causing trouble. just occupying himself. i said something to my mom about feeling like we were being followed. it seemed like where ever we went, they were close behind. it was made obvious mostly by the fact that there were not that many people in the store. so my mom and i finish our shopping and go to check out. the coolies follow. one thing you have to keep in mind is this is not so odd. usually it's the younger ones, but coolies as rule have a habit of following other ones that they want to talk to but do not know. i have done it in the past. i am sure several of you know the situation i am talking about. it was odd in this situation because i had no resemblance in dress to a coolie. because i rarely, if ever, do. i knew the treatment but not why i was getting. so as we are checking out, the guy taps me and says he knows me. uh ok. then he goes off with a couple of questions. he asks me if i went to such and such school and if i was the one that did as is. i was really surprised by this because he obviously still went there and i gave very few to people at school in my last year there, but i replied that yes both were true. and he kind of lets out this quiet " that was cool." i say thanks and my mom and i leave. she says that i should have talked to him. at the very least been nicer to him. too late.

we were all standing outside the theatre one night talking. a night some people think i made a mistake, but i think i made a different one then the one they think happened. during conversations someone unfamiliar comes up, walking straight for me. she says she knows. uh, ok. so she tells me what school i went to and such. i had actually talked to her once when she came into where i worked. either she didn't realize it was me, or didn't expect me to remember that. because she ended up dating Danny, Heather and i actually kind of got to know each other better than that. not real well but i could identify her. i did learn one of my favorite jokes from her during that time.* so when i started working at the club i was happy to see that she was part of the staff at the clubs. i didn't know that she was the one who had gotten my sister the job. i had heard my sister mention a Heather before, but never even thought that it might be the same one. i suppose it is good that they never connected the relationship between by sister and i because they never seemed to be good.

in highschool i had the same art teacher for three years. it was not until my senior that we hit on an interesting fact. in a conversation with my teacher, we got on the topic of Muskogee. i mention the fact that i have a lot of family there and that is where my parents grew up. the conversation goes on and then i mention my moms maiden name. as soon as i did, her jaw drops. she said that she basically idolized my mother but they never talked because my art teacher had been a cheerleader. and never the two shall meet. when i mentioned this to my mother, she tells me there was never anything to look up but she has no idea who the person is. weird the way that works. so the year after i graduated, my younger sister enrolls in her class. Trish asks her if she is my sister almost right away. she comes home the day after she turns in her first project and tears me a knew asshole. "what the fuck did you in there?" she is going off like this because Trish had told her she would need to explain what she was turn in because she was a [insert last name]. i thought it was funny as hell.

this one is mostly from what i was told but should be pretty accurate. my sister had been asked out by someone from school. if i even heard a name, i don't think i questioned it. the kid she ended up going out with was a skinhead. he was pretty mentally unstable. he was very found of racial slurs. those that have ever tried to pass one off on me learned very quickly that i do not tolerate them. what so ever. so my sister ends up going out with this dolt. while they are sitting there he gets around to asking what her last name is. so she tells him. he slowly backs away from the table and with a very thoughtful, worried look asked if she was my sister. he didn't care for the answer he got. i later found out that he was afraid of me because i had made it very clear that i did not like his views or the way he chose to express them. i might have told someone that i was going to kick his ass for that someday. maybe not. when he came to pick her up, i was waiting outside. when he pulled up, he was trying to be as nice as he could to me. didn't matter because i was sitting there waiting to tell him something. i told him not to be stupid and not to do anything to hurt my sister. this was the only time i ever said anything like that to any of her boyfriends because i know she can take care of her own. but don't give me a reason.

when Cliff went off to school, he headed to MU-Clombia. while he was there he made friends with Dave. Dave had written a couple of the songs on the first Screeching Weasel album. this was cool because it was a great album. and this made a connection to Lainie since she too knew the band. in their conversations the subject of the zine came up. it turned out that he had already seen a copy of it. a friend of his from Oklahoma had sent him one. turns out that friend was Amy, who was a very close friend of mine. Amy** and i had become friends because she was friends with the girl that stole my virginity. the relationship ended but Amy and i remained friends until she disappeared on me. i would end up running into a classmate of my first's at the theatre latter on. which is a big mess of stuff. the most recent run in with her classmate was when Mikey was working with her. because of a conversation they had, i had to explain in more detail why she does not like me.

*DeCarte walks into a restaurant the waitress asks if he wants coffee. he says, "i think not," and disappears.

**if you know an Amy Baron, ask her if she knows me. She disappeared on me and dammit i want to know where she is. also if you can get me in touch with Saphrona (Battles) Kelley. she is probably going by Toni, married to Corey Kelley, and last known to be living somewhere in texas. why is it always the girls that disappear on me?



it would depend on something else that i've got
and that the other ones had given it a shot

more music trivia questions, but you have to answer them without cheating. the last three are the easy ones. i realize that if you know [4.] then you probably know the two that follow it. and i will tell you if you are wrong.

[1.] what is Eric Boucher's alias [2.] and what band was he in that recently sued him?

[3.] what happened to the band the High Numbers?

[4.] how did John Beverly die [5.] and what name was he known by [6.] and where did that name come from?

[7.] how many dead former Beatles are there [8.] and who are they?
empallin: ukraine (Default)

i have prayed day and night that he'd never follow in the footsteps of his dad

so one of the statements DG repeatedly made was accusing me of cheating on her. contrary to what she still thinks, i never did. because i took a long hard look at what i wanted and how my actions conflicted so heavily with that. as bad and as rare as the sex was, i would be lying to say i was not tempted to do it. and yes i had opportunities to. but i didn't. i want kids and for a while i had hoped she would change her opinion on that matter. i realize that i am not currently mentally or financially stable enough to have them, but she stated that she had no desire to ever. that is fine for her and whoever she ends up with. i hope she lives happily ever after. but not for me. that is the main reason i am not torn up about the ending of the marriage.

to be unfaithful to her would have conflicted with the fact that to be a parent also means to be faithful. i know that is not the case, in too many marriages. but to me it is very important. it was after DG and i got together that i decided i had better shape up if i was going to make it happen. i do not have a clean history. a lot of things are glossed over or just not mentioned. so if i am going to going to get past it i have to be honest with myself. only a very small group know of some of these actions. i am pretty sure that no one is aware of all of them. so it's time to come completely clean. no matter how much it hurts me to say it. this is not something i am proud of. in the relationships that meant the most to me, i was the worst.

when TR and i got married it was basically just a bad idea. we were too young to be getting married. right before we got married i ended up cheating on her with KD. that happened three or four times. i don't know if KD was trying to sabotage the marriage or what but as it turned out TR never found out about it. at the time i could not say no to K for any reason. however, if you look at the history between she and i you will see that we only work as friends. no more. no less. this is why it is so fucked up that i ended up getting arrested for domestic battery. i found out that she had been seeing someone else and went ballistic. i did not hit her but got arrested because i grabbed her coat. because i touched her. i had no right to. contrary to what i may have told some people, yes the relationship was physically and emotionally abusive in both directions. not excessively so but it was still there. after it was over i was a different person because of the pain i felt. i thought it was going to be forever. i hated the things i had done to mistreat her. but i learned something from my mistakes and i was better for that. never would i lay a hand on another woman. i knew better but apparently i had to learn the hard way. after she decided we should live in separate places but before i got arrested, i ended up making out with C in the bathroom during a party at someone's house.

sometime after i got back to OKC, i started seeing AW. that was a very turbulent relationship. it was finally decided that we should end it. neither of us wanted to but it was for the best. eventually i started going out with and then living with NC. if you read the subway story she was the girlfriend i had when i would not go out with his sister. but over the course of the relationship i ended up getting together with AW several times. only three that i can remember but i know there was more than that. but once she and S got together i would not go there. just because i will sabotage my own relationships does not mean i will even go near a friends. i ended up leaving NC over a number of things. but it was not for another girl like she suggested. but there are several things that lead me to believe she was seeing someone else, but that will be explained in a different story.

after that i ended up living with JB. i had little interest in sex and it was more than enough with what she was willing to do. i ended up breaking off that relationship because of her lying to me. it was not long after that i ended up moving to Boston. before i moved and after i got there i had no interest in having a girlfriend. i was not looking. before i left it was so that i would have no attachments and so i could get my head cleared some. after i got there it was because i had nothing to offer and i wanted to be settled as much is possible for me before i started looking. eventually i ended up meeting TF through a personal. it turned out that we had a lot in common except for the fact that she was not interested in having any kind of commitment. we faked it for a while. then she went back to visit family and ended up hooking up with an exboyfriend. i basically ended the relationship right there. but it continued anyway.

it was not to long after she and i ended that i got together with my coworker SS. TF and i were still seeing each other but she had stated several times that it was OK for me to see other people. so i did. i was not looking until TF did what she did, but SS had already caught my attention. on the first date SS and i had we both told each other we were seeing other people. for the first week of that relationship i was bouncing very heavily between both of there houses and work. i only went home long enough to grab clothes. towards the end of the week, i told TF that i was seeing someone else. a couple of days later i also told SS that i was only seeing her. as it turned out TF and i did end up having sex occasionally while SS were together until she found a new boyfriend. SS was a very good person and i still feel bad about doing that to her. but that was not all i did. i basically ended the relationship because DG and i had met online. i basically dumped someone i could trust my life with for some one i did not even know. before DG and i hooked up, i had told a couple of people that i felt like i was losing my mind. i was. it was not long after DG and i got together that i had to either deal with my depression head on or die. and i totally destroyed the best relationship i have ever had because i would not confront my problems.

i still feel guilty about what i did to SS but i was not thinking clearly. i was not in control of myself. but i learned a lot about myself. i know a lot of people hold it against me that i did that to her. i appreciate your concern but i can kick my own ass well enough thank you. i honestly thought that SS and i were going to be together for a very long time and even have kids together. i could not expect that after all that i had done. i could not expect to be a good parent if i ever did that again. so no matter how bad things were. yes there is someone else now, even though the divorce between DG and i is not done. yes this new person, PW, and i have our own problems but we are trying to get through them. i suppose it would be easier is she were anywhere near me. then again it might not be. she and i have known each other for a long time. we have a lot in common. i hope it works out because it is going to hurt like hell if it doesn't. But i have to expect the worst so that maybe it will hurt a little less if it doesn't work out.
empallin: ukraine (Default)
"It is the nature of desire not to be satisfied, and most men live only for the gratification of it. " --Aristotle
this was given to me by Boogle which in case you missed it is Google with quotes.

so my cheap desire is that people with working burners send me cd's of stuff they have downloaded or what ever. i am going through withdrawl here. i am used to having something new everything i sit down at the computer and i don't know when that will happen next. doesn't matter what it is, as long as i am not going to go to jail for it. all you have to do is fill up a cd, put it in one of those slim line cases everyone has and hates, write the address on the insert and make sure it's showing, run a loop of packaging tape around it, send it off, and make me happy. shouldn't cost more than a dollar to mail like that. hook me up. i need a fix. asap.
send to...
Allin Khg
1360 Clifton Ave #347
Clifton, NJ
07012



stole this one from lethebasiilethebasii who got it from....this-or-that

1. File taxes as early as possible, or wait until the last possible minute?
usually about half way in between. last time i tried to do it as early as possible, i got another form. but there is a whole mess with this lately.
2. File electronically, or mail paper forms?
usually paper because i am etting a refund and i want them to have to work for it. sure i'd get the money sooner but i'd rather have the satisfaction.
3. Prepare your own taxes, or have someone do it for you? .
i had someone else do it this year but i felt like a multitard doing it that way. i may lose money doing it myself but i am the one that messed it up. and i don't have to deal with people when i do it myself.
4. Are you a saver or a spender?
both. my daily budget is $20 a day. this covers gas, food, soda, and cigarettes. anything beyond that is normally thought about before it happens. of course with gas prices being what they are, it is hurting my routines and driving me nuts. maybe i'll quit smoking soon.
5. Do you prefer to carry cash, or pay with plastic (credit/debit cards), or by check?
cash. can't be traced and less worry about how much is there because i already know. funny thing is that almost always get receipts which can be traced.
6. You're broke and desperately need a job, but the only places that are hiring are retail or fast food places. Which would you pick?
where ever i could. it will happen soon enough and you will see i will take what i can until i find something better.
7. Keeping track of your money: are you more meticulous or careless about it?
normally i am very anal about it but i have not been allowed to for the past few years. i still have cancelled checks from 12 years ago because of my anal habits.
8. What do you do if you find yourself with a lot of change weighing down your purse/pocket/wallet? Do you try to spend it to *get rid of it*, or do you put it in a jar or a piggy bank?
i give exact change when i think about it. usually at the end of each day it all goes into a jar except for a dollar in quarters and a few pennies. i find that wishing well someday.
9. Which form of fake money do you like better...Monopoly money or those chocolate coins covered with gold foil?
dammit, us currency isn't a choice. i would say chocolate except for that allergy thing.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You find a wallet containing $5,000 in cash, as well as several credit cards and the owner's drivers' license. Your rent is due tomorrow and you're short $200. Do you take the money (some or all of it) and mail back the wallet anonymously...or do you return the wallet with all contents intact? mail it my ass. i'd look them up and call them and tell them i have it. but i would not make my problems there's. why am i short on rent anyway? did i go back into the hospital?

and phillyglamgothphillyglamgoth took this one first...
I scored
33½%
on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!
Take the test here!

...i feel so dirty. too bad my score has only went down 7% in 8 years.

salem came across this one. and with the one truth i got...
Book Worm Meter for multitard
Shut In 93%
..
7% Out Of The House
Intellectual 95%
..
5% Moron
High Attention Span 95%
..
5% Low Attention Span
Bookitude 96%
..
4% Book Burner
Book Worm 94.75%
..
5.25% Bug Stomper
Take your bookworm readings.


and with another truth i got...
Book Worm Meter for multitard
Shut In 5%
..
95% Out Of The House
Intellectual 5%
..
95% Moron
High Attention Span 23%
..
77% Low Attention Span
Bookitude 18%
..
82% Book Burner
Book Worm 12.75%
..
87.25% Bug Stomper
Take your bookworm readings.
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