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empallini have prayed day and night that he'd never follow in the footsteps of his dad
so one of the statements DG repeatedly made was accusing me of cheating on her. contrary to what she still thinks, i never did. because i took a long hard look at what i wanted and how my actions conflicted so heavily with that. as bad and as rare as the sex was, i would be lying to say i was not tempted to do it. and yes i had opportunities to. but i didn't. i want kids and for a while i had hoped she would change her opinion on that matter. i realize that i am not currently mentally or financially stable enough to have them, but she stated that she had no desire to ever. that is fine for her and whoever she ends up with. i hope she lives happily ever after. but not for me. that is the main reason i am not torn up about the ending of the marriage.
to be unfaithful to her would have conflicted with the fact that to be a parent also means to be faithful. i know that is not the case, in too many marriages. but to me it is very important. it was after DG and i got together that i decided i had better shape up if i was going to make it happen. i do not have a clean history. a lot of things are glossed over or just not mentioned. so if i am going to going to get past it i have to be honest with myself. only a very small group know of some of these actions. i am pretty sure that no one is aware of all of them. so it's time to come completely clean. no matter how much it hurts me to say it. this is not something i am proud of. in the relationships that meant the most to me, i was the worst.
when TR and i got married it was basically just a bad idea. we were too young to be getting married. right before we got married i ended up cheating on her with KD. that happened three or four times. i don't know if KD was trying to sabotage the marriage or what but as it turned out TR never found out about it. at the time i could not say no to K for any reason. however, if you look at the history between she and i you will see that we only work as friends. no more. no less. this is why it is so fucked up that i ended up getting arrested for domestic battery. i found out that she had been seeing someone else and went ballistic. i did not hit her but got arrested because i grabbed her coat. because i touched her. i had no right to. contrary to what i may have told some people, yes the relationship was physically and emotionally abusive in both directions. not excessively so but it was still there. after it was over i was a different person because of the pain i felt. i thought it was going to be forever. i hated the things i had done to mistreat her. but i learned something from my mistakes and i was better for that. never would i lay a hand on another woman. i knew better but apparently i had to learn the hard way. after she decided we should live in separate places but before i got arrested, i ended up making out with C in the bathroom during a party at someone's house.
sometime after i got back to OKC, i started seeing AW. that was a very turbulent relationship. it was finally decided that we should end it. neither of us wanted to but it was for the best. eventually i started going out with and then living with NC. if you read the subway story she was the girlfriend i had when i would not go out with his sister. but over the course of the relationship i ended up getting together with AW several times. only three that i can remember but i know there was more than that. but once she and S got together i would not go there. just because i will sabotage my own relationships does not mean i will even go near a friends. i ended up leaving NC over a number of things. but it was not for another girl like she suggested. but there are several things that lead me to believe she was seeing someone else, but that will be explained in a different story.
after that i ended up living with JB. i had little interest in sex and it was more than enough with what she was willing to do. i ended up breaking off that relationship because of her lying to me. it was not long after that i ended up moving to Boston. before i moved and after i got there i had no interest in having a girlfriend. i was not looking. before i left it was so that i would have no attachments and so i could get my head cleared some. after i got there it was because i had nothing to offer and i wanted to be settled as much is possible for me before i started looking. eventually i ended up meeting TF through a personal. it turned out that we had a lot in common except for the fact that she was not interested in having any kind of commitment. we faked it for a while. then she went back to visit family and ended up hooking up with an exboyfriend. i basically ended the relationship right there. but it continued anyway.
it was not to long after she and i ended that i got together with my coworker SS. TF and i were still seeing each other but she had stated several times that it was OK for me to see other people. so i did. i was not looking until TF did what she did, but SS had already caught my attention. on the first date SS and i had we both told each other we were seeing other people. for the first week of that relationship i was bouncing very heavily between both of there houses and work. i only went home long enough to grab clothes. towards the end of the week, i told TF that i was seeing someone else. a couple of days later i also told SS that i was only seeing her. as it turned out TF and i did end up having sex occasionally while SS were together until she found a new boyfriend. SS was a very good person and i still feel bad about doing that to her. but that was not all i did. i basically ended the relationship because DG and i had met online. i basically dumped someone i could trust my life with for some one i did not even know. before DG and i hooked up, i had told a couple of people that i felt like i was losing my mind. i was. it was not long after DG and i got together that i had to either deal with my depression head on or die. and i totally destroyed the best relationship i have ever had because i would not confront my problems.
i still feel guilty about what i did to SS but i was not thinking clearly. i was not in control of myself. but i learned a lot about myself. i know a lot of people hold it against me that i did that to her. i appreciate your concern but i can kick my own ass well enough thank you. i honestly thought that SS and i were going to be together for a very long time and even have kids together. i could not expect that after all that i had done. i could not expect to be a good parent if i ever did that again. so no matter how bad things were. yes there is someone else now, even though the divorce between DG and i is not done. yes this new person, PW, and i have our own problems but we are trying to get through them. i suppose it would be easier is she were anywhere near me. then again it might not be. she and i have known each other for a long time. we have a lot in common. i hope it works out because it is going to hurt like hell if it doesn't. But i have to expect the worst so that maybe it will hurt a little less if it doesn't work out.
to be unfaithful to her would have conflicted with the fact that to be a parent also means to be faithful. i know that is not the case, in too many marriages. but to me it is very important. it was after DG and i got together that i decided i had better shape up if i was going to make it happen. i do not have a clean history. a lot of things are glossed over or just not mentioned. so if i am going to going to get past it i have to be honest with myself. only a very small group know of some of these actions. i am pretty sure that no one is aware of all of them. so it's time to come completely clean. no matter how much it hurts me to say it. this is not something i am proud of. in the relationships that meant the most to me, i was the worst.
when TR and i got married it was basically just a bad idea. we were too young to be getting married. right before we got married i ended up cheating on her with KD. that happened three or four times. i don't know if KD was trying to sabotage the marriage or what but as it turned out TR never found out about it. at the time i could not say no to K for any reason. however, if you look at the history between she and i you will see that we only work as friends. no more. no less. this is why it is so fucked up that i ended up getting arrested for domestic battery. i found out that she had been seeing someone else and went ballistic. i did not hit her but got arrested because i grabbed her coat. because i touched her. i had no right to. contrary to what i may have told some people, yes the relationship was physically and emotionally abusive in both directions. not excessively so but it was still there. after it was over i was a different person because of the pain i felt. i thought it was going to be forever. i hated the things i had done to mistreat her. but i learned something from my mistakes and i was better for that. never would i lay a hand on another woman. i knew better but apparently i had to learn the hard way. after she decided we should live in separate places but before i got arrested, i ended up making out with C in the bathroom during a party at someone's house.
sometime after i got back to OKC, i started seeing AW. that was a very turbulent relationship. it was finally decided that we should end it. neither of us wanted to but it was for the best. eventually i started going out with and then living with NC. if you read the subway story she was the girlfriend i had when i would not go out with his sister. but over the course of the relationship i ended up getting together with AW several times. only three that i can remember but i know there was more than that. but once she and S got together i would not go there. just because i will sabotage my own relationships does not mean i will even go near a friends. i ended up leaving NC over a number of things. but it was not for another girl like she suggested. but there are several things that lead me to believe she was seeing someone else, but that will be explained in a different story.
after that i ended up living with JB. i had little interest in sex and it was more than enough with what she was willing to do. i ended up breaking off that relationship because of her lying to me. it was not long after that i ended up moving to Boston. before i moved and after i got there i had no interest in having a girlfriend. i was not looking. before i left it was so that i would have no attachments and so i could get my head cleared some. after i got there it was because i had nothing to offer and i wanted to be settled as much is possible for me before i started looking. eventually i ended up meeting TF through a personal. it turned out that we had a lot in common except for the fact that she was not interested in having any kind of commitment. we faked it for a while. then she went back to visit family and ended up hooking up with an exboyfriend. i basically ended the relationship right there. but it continued anyway.
it was not to long after she and i ended that i got together with my coworker SS. TF and i were still seeing each other but she had stated several times that it was OK for me to see other people. so i did. i was not looking until TF did what she did, but SS had already caught my attention. on the first date SS and i had we both told each other we were seeing other people. for the first week of that relationship i was bouncing very heavily between both of there houses and work. i only went home long enough to grab clothes. towards the end of the week, i told TF that i was seeing someone else. a couple of days later i also told SS that i was only seeing her. as it turned out TF and i did end up having sex occasionally while SS were together until she found a new boyfriend. SS was a very good person and i still feel bad about doing that to her. but that was not all i did. i basically ended the relationship because DG and i had met online. i basically dumped someone i could trust my life with for some one i did not even know. before DG and i hooked up, i had told a couple of people that i felt like i was losing my mind. i was. it was not long after DG and i got together that i had to either deal with my depression head on or die. and i totally destroyed the best relationship i have ever had because i would not confront my problems.
i still feel guilty about what i did to SS but i was not thinking clearly. i was not in control of myself. but i learned a lot about myself. i know a lot of people hold it against me that i did that to her. i appreciate your concern but i can kick my own ass well enough thank you. i honestly thought that SS and i were going to be together for a very long time and even have kids together. i could not expect that after all that i had done. i could not expect to be a good parent if i ever did that again. so no matter how bad things were. yes there is someone else now, even though the divorce between DG and i is not done. yes this new person, PW, and i have our own problems but we are trying to get through them. i suppose it would be easier is she were anywhere near me. then again it might not be. she and i have known each other for a long time. we have a lot in common. i hope it works out because it is going to hurt like hell if it doesn't. But i have to expect the worst so that maybe it will hurt a little less if it doesn't work out.
