don't know why i come back to this place no one seems to remember my face

five posts per day limmit? hmmm. sorry folks but i am on borrowed time here....
( another books worth of stuff no one will read )

you are caught in your own glory believing your own stories

to start, this was not inspired by anything in particular. this may seem like a disjointed admission but in the end it all relates to each other. i suppose in the end a lot of it comes back to my issues with trust and the fact that i don't trust myself at all. i expect too much. i don't believe enough. i don't ever expect people to come back around to my direction. when it happens i am happy to see it but don't ever try to tell me it will.

if you tell me you are going to do something, i expect you to do it. if you have told me you will and for some reason do not, i will hold you account able for it. this is the same reason that i do not make promises. if i make a promise and i cannot keep it for what ever reason, i feel like a complete and total asshole. i might remember it but it will be at a point where i can do nothing about it. i have a crappy memory and if you do not see me writing it down, i most likely will not remember it. i will remember it if you tell me again, but not at the point where i can get it done. and i expect better from myself, as much as i expect better from other people.

i expect people to put forth that little bit of effort to be honest. if you can't do it, say so. if you don't want to, just let me know. if you aree not sure, i would prefer you either say no or at the very most say that you'll try. if you say you are going to do it, i am going to expect you to. if you say you are not sure, i might bug you about it but i will not consider it a loss. if something comes up and you can't, i expect to be let know as soon as possible. yeah i will be bothered but less than if you just didn't say anything. as much as i hate to wait, i realize that not everything can happen over night. just don't lie about it.

i am not always the most honest person, but this is something i expect other peole to be better at. i may tell parts of a story, but it is also very likely that even some of those closest to me will not immediately know the whole story. they may not even know what i really think. it's not that i forget the facts, or even try to, so much as it is that i might not be ready to accept them. to accept my behaviours that caused them. if someone is ever curious enough to question certian aspects, the will probably be answered with something along the lines of me not knowing what or why. sure, somethimes i just don't feel that a particular person needs to know. if i ask i expect the real answer, even if it is probably better that i don't know. i can handle the pain better than having to find out the facts on my own or finding out i have been lied to.

i do not get over being lied to very easily. it does not mean that i won't trust someone who has lied to me. it does mean that i will doubt and question everything they say until i feel comfortable with their version of the truth. not telling the whole story is as bad as lying to me. so just spit out and save everybody the misery. if i find out somebody close to me has lied, i get very spiteful. i will make it very obvious that i have issues with my faith in that person. sure i am used to be lying to, but i stopped taking it quietly a long time ago. it's a smaller world than you might think, and the walls do have ears. finding out the hard way, is the hardest thing to deal with. even i do become comfortable and quiet, i will still question everything i am told. it is for my own protection. i will only give people so many chances before i say goodbye.

it started many years ago that when ever i say goodbye what i mean is 'get the hell away from me and i hope i never talk to you again.' i might say bye. i might say later. i might say good night. i might say a lot of things. i might say nothing. it may seem rude but it is meant to imply that i will talk to you again. the conversations will be continued at a later date or time. i intend on circling back in your direction. if i take the time and effort to say goodbye, i mean it. i either have no desire or intention of talking to you again. for whatever reason, if you hear it and you care, you should question it immediately. it is my final words on the matter.

if i walk down this hallway tonight it's too quiet 003

Mikey and i started coming up with names for some of the regulars. we could have asked their names but sometimes there just was not time to get to know them well enough to remember. the girl we refeed to as windowpanes was one of these. she got that name because of mikes attraction to the stockings she always wore. other times it was not worth the time to learn their names. smelly hippy guy was one of these. the name pretty much explains it. eventually we would learn some of their names but for the most part the names stuck.

usually it was the girls that we actualy bothered to remembered the real names of. it was hard to be infatuated with the coolie, the blonde hottie, or any one of the trio. so we had to find out their names by hook or by crook. some of the guys were just cool enough and came in often enough to remember. most of the gys didn't dance so they would occasionaly come past the registar on their way back in or out or they would just come over to talk. a lot of times we would be pushing people through the door while holding on conversations at the same time. it was a little awkward but you got used to it. it also came in handy when you were looking for somebody.

even though i was good at this i had to fake the inability to one night shortly afted mikey started. in the middle of bar rush Neila and her mom show up. i was nice to them to the point that i didn't change them to get in. but to mike and everyone else it was painfully obvious that i really did not want her to be there. it was not that i did not want to see her, i would see her when i got home after we closed that morning. though i would move out shortly after this for other reasons. it was not because she was in the way of any action i might be thinking about getting. everyone knew i was in a relationship and wold be going hoe to her. it was because i was annoyed to no end. they came in without any warning, which put me on the defense for no real reason. they had been drinking at one of the other clubs on the strip for most of the night, instead of coming in while it was slow. or at least slower. then to top it off, she wanted to get all touchy-feelie while i am trying to work a regiter. in the middle of bar rush. it has been proposed that she was doing it as a territorial thing but she could have picked a better situation. this was Mikey's introduction to my girlfriend. after i introduced him all he saw was me giving the cold shoulder to a redhead with large breats. luckily several of the regulars saw my annoyance and came over. i introduced them waiting for one of them to draw her away in conversation, so i could do my job. i was happy when i was saved.

the club wasn't that big but people still felt the need to try to get away with shit. the regulars helped us keep an eye on this. they would tell us when a couple just locked themselves in the bathroom, when someone had been drinking or had alcohol on this, when someone was or was trying to deal. we caught a lot of it at the door but not all of it. sometimes a fight would break out and one of the people would disappear into the crowd before he could be caught. it was always a he. and club policy had always been for kicking out those envolved for the night, if not permanently. this rule was a little more relaxed with people that came in every night the club was open. if you started yelling we just kept an eye on you, but the minute a hand touched another person you were gone.

it was secuities job to deal with stuff like this but they were not always around. when they were not around and a fight broke out we wouuld hold everyone at the door. one person would go to break up the fight, one would go outside to yell for security, and the othe would do crowd control at the door until we were all back in position. one of the funniest ones came early in my time there. my sister had been working the register and all of a sudden she says "shit, fight!" then looks at me and tells me to watch the register. i had not worked it so watching it was all i could do. I look up in the direction she had headed and see her holding this cheap plastic flash light up in the air as she reaches down and pulls this guy up of the ground. because of the crowds that gathereed around, the next thing i see is her coming towards the door holding one of the in front of her. the were followed by one of the rgulars doing the same with the other asshole. just in time for secuity to be walking through the door.

a lot of times security would come in as part of their rounds and we would tell them about anything that needed to be taken care of that was either not that important or that we just didn't feel like dealing with. during the pat downs i had seen a lot of things pulled off people but most of it was during bag checks. once watching Benny do them he had pulled a pipe out of someones front pocket. when he grabbed it i thought he had just grabbed the guys dick. When i saw what it was and how small it was, i had to laugh. i knew that if it had been me doing that one they would have been able to walk right in with it. Benny had said he was going to give that and the bag he had taken off of them to security. then later he decided he was going to give himself a bonus. I do not smoke pot but i felt that he night as well just for being able to find it.

while i got stuck doing the pat downs during bar rush one night i hit something nowhere near as fun. i had patted this one guy down and it was a basic and quick one. after i was done i let him pass. as soon as he was through i told everyone else to be on the look out for security because i need to have some one pulled. i didn't know what it was but i wasn't going to find out the hard way. a little bit later one of them comes walking in. start to give a desciption as i am looking through the crown. i point him out and the security guard goes over to him. they talk for a while and then come back over to the door. after they get over there the guy lifts up his jeans and pulls a five inch throwing knife out from beside the seam of his cowboy boot. as he sets it down on the counter he is telling me how good i am because of all the clubs he had gotten searched at, i was the only one to have ever found it or called him on it. i tell him that basically i think he is an asshole because i thought it was a gun. he says that is fair and would like to know if he will be getting it back. i tell him to ask me when he leaves, but i really doubt it. i should have kept it just for finding it.

if i walk down this hallway tonight it's too quiet 004

mikey was one of the best at pat downs i had ever seen. he was constantly pulling shit off of people from places i never would have even thought to check. there was the added bonus that enjoyed finding the stuff, where as i just considered it and the people trying to bring the stuff in a huge annoyance. then a bigger annoyance came along. it took us a little bit of time to figure out the whole mess but between various lies we managed to get the whole story. this group of guys had upened a club in the old church on classen. and ecah time one of these guys came in he would say that he owned that club and if we let him in for free, we could get into his for free. never mind that we would be working the nights that would be good to go there. no dice, dick. after comparing notes and hearing the story several times we startedd asking them questions. finally one of them said that, yes, they owned it as a group. was it really that hard to say that? no, and no they were not getting in for free. our little club may have sucked but it was out job and it was more fun.

shortly after they started coming in, oklahoma city passed a curfew law. this meant that we had to start checking id's. basically anyone under 18 had to leave at midnight until the issue was settled legally. we hatedd doing this but we soon discovered that this was going to work to our advantage. we were able to find out the names of the trio and also that they were all three underage. that was jsut as important to know as their names. Mikey was able to find out that the blonde hottie was more commonly known as Kerry. she was also of age. my sister was the one that really pulled out all of the tricks. on the friday of one weekend she found out and retained the name of the coolie i was so infatuated with. Her name was Jamilyn. the next night she started up a conversation with me in earshot about her non-existant boyfriend. then one night in the next two weeks of me not having the nerve to say anything, she tells her when she comes in that i have a huge crush on her but am too scared to say anything. i don't deal well with beauty right in front of me. i can say a lot of things in a lot of ways. i can handle rejection. it's just that some people have so much beauty that i can't say much of anything. I had asked Kerry out but that was with Mikey's pushing. But she had a boyfriend. with Jamilyn i had all of the information i needed that should have made it so easy. I knew her name. i knew her age. i knew she didn't have a boyfriend. i knew she was interested. so my sister gave her my number for me.

i had heard that she was going to the club that those assholes owned so i started considering take one of them up on their offer. as it turned out she had only gone a couple of times and that was for special reasons. they still kept offering. then Mike and i started noticing some interesting things. we were both paying close attention to the id's they carried because one of them almost always didn't have one. we didn't serve alcohol but because of the curfew managment decided it was for the better if we did not allow anyone in who did not have one. of course we were also suppose to not allow people in who were under 16, but i had trouble enforcing that since i startedd going there when i was 15. these guys were over sixteen but they tried pulling to many tricks on people who actually checked id's. i noticed that one of them was not even twentyone yet. this would have made it illegal for him to go into or own his own club. more questions. he said he wasn't on any papers for it but put up some of the money. maybe his parents did. then Mikey noticed something that got them all out of there. he got handed one id for the second time in a night. the guy holding trying to pass it failed the tests. zip code? social? birthday? so Mikey got a fee id. but he wanted to push it further. so he went in and found the person it belong to. sure enough he passed the tests. Mikey loved telling him that he was currently holding his id and it would not be returned. the next time i saw that id it was full of whole from Mikey blowing darts at it. lots of whole. so they decided that they and their drugs would stay at their club. we were happy as long as it wasn't ours.

Mikey and i get to my apartment one night and i pretty much immediately notice a new message on the answer machine. it had been left at something like 4:00am. i am used to getting phone calls at all hours so that was not the mystery. the message was so quite, and my answering machine so crappy, that it actually took some effort to decypher. it might have helped if i had talked to her enough to actually know what her vioce sounded like. we ended up figuring out that it was Jamilyn explaining that my sister had given her my number and that i could call her at whatever number. i scribbled the number down off the caller id and added it to the pile of people phone numbers. i was going to call her but the sun was already up so i assumed she had gone to bed. I did end up calling her later but didn't get a hold of her. before we were actually able to talk, Mikey and I went on one of our many interstate drives. while on that drive, and with the tape recorder going, he metioned a few points that i would be very interested in knowing. she had some unacceptable habits. i can handle those habits from friends but not from someone i intend on knowing better than just friends. so between that and several other factors we never hooked up. so went back to being scenery. nice to look at but not someplace i was ever going to go. it did make it easier to talk to her though. until she stopped coming in so frequently.

the regulars came and went as much as the staff did. there were always bigger and better things. others are still go there. others never went again. that kid Chris was the first to go from our staff. he had a preferance for extasy. a lot of the regulars did. we kind of used his presence to find out who we needed to keep an eye on. if he was too friendly with them, there was a good chance that they were more than just a friend. he was likable enough, just seemed prone to keeping his distance from a lot of people. there was one of his friends that i apparently got the attention of. they talked the same way a lot of the regulars and the staff talked. nothing worth noting until the weekend she showed up both night right at open. i thought she was there to talk to him. since it was slowest then, that was the best time to get to know one of the staff. on the second night, she hopped on my barrel almost as soon as she came in. i was suppose to be working the snack bar so i wasn't even suppose to be up front anyway. but the night was late in getting started so we all sat there talking for an hour or two before i had to go back to my corner. i get tired of standing so i tell her to move because she is in my place. she tells me to make her. i kind of laugh it off and then the clue hits me. so i lean up against it btween her legs with my back to her. she immediately throws her arms over my shoulders. partially as affeection, partially to lift her self up a bit to see over me. from my pacing i had already planned my move. i was just waiting for the moment. i ask her again if she is going to move. she tells me that she isn't. so i just blow it off agian. then i reach up to scratch my back. odd the way i happened to unclasp her bra at the same time. so the next thing everbody sees is her pushing me out of the way and then mumbling profanities as she rushes to the bathroom. you have to love front clasps combined with quick hands. when she came back i was sitting on the barrel laughing as everyone asked her what exactly happened.

if i walk down this hallway tonight it's too quiet 005

the barrel that i was claiming as mine was where the person doing pat downs would sit while it was slow. basically i only sat there at the bigining of the night. i prefered the easy and les dangerous job of doing the counter and hand stamp. all you had to do was hit the counter for each paid entry, help people find the top of there left hand so you could stamp it, and back up the other people at front. basically it was boring as hell during the busy times. because people so many people tried to slip in, i would sit on a stoll close to the register steching my leg across so that my foot was pressed against that barrel. then as each party was paid and stamped, i would move my leg so that they could pass. it was the easy way to cover all points and keep from having to chase people down when everyone was distracted by other people.

while sitting in this postion one night the head dj for the club comes cruising through. he was so busy talking and trying to look important and i was so distracted that it took both of us by surprise whenever he hit my leg. he starts yelling at me to let him by and some bullshit about knowing who he is. my sister gives me this little annoyed sign that yes he can go by. so i tell him that is fine but which one of the seven people with him is going in as his guest. then he starts screamiing something about getting me fired. Jennifer tells him to just go and then tells me that it will be dealt with later. he is still going off as they go to invade the dj booth. i sit there and watch as Ed starts to get the same face that my sister and i already have. i was thankful to see them leave as quickly as they came but could have done without his parting comments. a little while later Tom, the strip manager, comes over and asks me what happened because he has already heard one version of it. i just go completely off because i was ready to walk out at that point. Tom explained that he knew why always i sat like that and that information had already been passed. he was not aware of the fact that he had come in with so many boys in tow. even if they were not planning on staying. he then told me that i would be gtting an apology for the behavior i had to deal with. i told him that i did not expect or want and apology. i expected him to act civil the next time he came in. even if he was buddies with the owner of the clubs. he may have been head dj but this was not his club. he was not friendly but he was civil.

the next time someone tried walking past me things went from bad to worse quickly. one of the known dealers came walking by while my leg was not in place. as soon as i saw this little club kid out of the corner of my eye i dropped everything. for past offenses he was not supposed to be in there and then he tries too just walk in. i get in his face pretty much immediately and tell him he needs to pay if he is even going to be let in at all. he starts giving me attitude. not going to work. then he starts telling me that he works at one of the other clubs. i tell hime that i think he's is full of shit but fail to mention that if he is on the list of club employees there is not much i can do. well sorta. so i turn around to start to ask my sister to check the list. as it turned out Tom was right behind me. i didn't know how long he had been there but as it turned out he had just walked up after seeing me go at it with this one. he knew i was, and am, generally calm and quite and that if i was going at it like this something was definately up. so he asks me what is going on. before i could even finish explaining, he started tearing the guy a new asshole. the moron then tries telling Tom that he works at one of the clubs. apparently he was not aware that as the general manger Tom knew every employee by full name. that was the point where Tom started to bounce him hard. this kid had these elevated sneakers on that made it hard for him to walk anyway. so when he started getting pushed, it was no suprise that he fell down and went boom. he started screaming about how he was going to call the cops but we all knew that was a load of crap. most people aviod the cops when they are actively guilty of possesion with intent to distribute. we all knew it. everyone but him would have made sure the cops knew it as well.

this dolt had a sidekick, Donut Girl (for the breakfast chain she was seen working at), that had come in frequently by his side, so she started getting extra attention i had also noticed that Chris seemed to be a little too friendly when she came in. due to those serious warning i would always try to make sure she got a thorough pat down and bag check. during one of these checks she had all of these new revlon products that Mikey and i suspected were freshly stolen. she also tried coming in with a bag full of blow pops. i told that she could not bring them in because we did not allow food or drink from the outside especially an item that we sold. this was partially true. mostly it was because she was guilty by association with a known dealer and among some circles suckers are a popular form of transportion and distribution method for certian substances. not on my shift. once we started checking id's we able to get closer to finishing the job. we had made it clear one night that she was not getting in without id. so i took a close look at the one she produced. it was after curfew and she wasn't of age yet. then she tries to convince me that my math is wrong. so i turn to the Jennifer-2, whose bra i had undone and had basically been living with since she went home with me that night, and asked her what her birthday was. since their birthdays were so close it wasn't hard to figure out the point. let's just say one of them had the right year.

with word getting out that we were running a tight crew and doing things right our numbers started to really go up. there was less drugs, less kids, less attitude and more work. Tom made us all happy one night by telling us we would all be getting raises that amounted to something like three dollars an hour. we were keeping numbers consistanly high. Chris enjoyed some of his money by ingesting it. he came in one night completely shot. so he and i are sitting back behind the snack bar while explains that his is still coming down off extasy and thinks he should just stay back there with me all night while not doing a damn thing. my sister had worked the door several times drunk off her ass, so there was no way he was going to get away with doing nothing just because he was coming down. so i went into the storage room and got some supplies. i handed him a couple of b/c complex vitiamins that i took daily. i had received thanks several times before when i forced them on people who were in a state similar to the one he was in. i didn't like the facts but it made them hurt less. even if they did deserve it. i would have let Chris suffer but we would need him. after he took them i duct taped his arms to his body so that he couldn't fight. them taped him to the chair he was sitting in. after i was done i called Mikey back and explained the entire situation to him. after he stopped laughing we carried Chris face down to the front and gave him the counter and the hand stamp. Tom didn't even want to know why. most people thought it was funny. one of his friends kept coming up behind him and tilting his chair forward as far as he could. he actually stayed like that for a while until one of his friends let him go. then she wanted us to redo it when she heard the reasons why.