you are caught in your own glory believing your own stories

[empallin]

to start, this was not inspired by anything in particular. this may seem like a disjointed admission but in the end it all relates to each other. i suppose in the end a lot of it comes back to my issues with trust and the fact that i don't trust myself at all. i expect too much. i don't believe enough. i don't ever expect people to come back around to my direction. when it happens i am happy to see it but don't ever try to tell me it will.

if you tell me you are going to do something, i expect you to do it. if you have told me you will and for some reason do not, i will hold you account able for it. this is the same reason that i do not make promises. if i make a promise and i cannot keep it for what ever reason, i feel like a complete and total asshole. i might remember it but it will be at a point where i can do nothing about it. i have a crappy memory and if you do not see me writing it down, i most likely will not remember it. i will remember it if you tell me again, but not at the point where i can get it done. and i expect better from myself, as much as i expect better from other people.

i expect people to put forth that little bit of effort to be honest. if you can't do it, say so. if you don't want to, just let me know. if you aree not sure, i would prefer you either say no or at the very most say that you'll try. if you say you are going to do it, i am going to expect you to. if you say you are not sure, i might bug you about it but i will not consider it a loss. if something comes up and you can't, i expect to be let know as soon as possible. yeah i will be bothered but less than if you just didn't say anything. as much as i hate to wait, i realize that not everything can happen over night. just don't lie about it.

i am not always the most honest person, but this is something i expect other peole to be better at. i may tell parts of a story, but it is also very likely that even some of those closest to me will not immediately know the whole story. they may not even know what i really think. it's not that i forget the facts, or even try to, so much as it is that i might not be ready to accept them. to accept my behaviours that caused them. if someone is ever curious enough to question certian aspects, the will probably be answered with something along the lines of me not knowing what or why. sure, somethimes i just don't feel that a particular person needs to know. if i ask i expect the real answer, even if it is probably better that i don't know. i can handle the pain better than having to find out the facts on my own or finding out i have been lied to.

i do not get over being lied to very easily. it does not mean that i won't trust someone who has lied to me. it does mean that i will doubt and question everything they say until i feel comfortable with their version of the truth. not telling the whole story is as bad as lying to me. so just spit out and save everybody the misery. if i find out somebody close to me has lied, i get very spiteful. i will make it very obvious that i have issues with my faith in that person. sure i am used to be lying to, but i stopped taking it quietly a long time ago. it's a smaller world than you might think, and the walls do have ears. finding out the hard way, is the hardest thing to deal with. even i do become comfortable and quiet, i will still question everything i am told. it is for my own protection. i will only give people so many chances before i say goodbye.

it started many years ago that when ever i say goodbye what i mean is 'get the hell away from me and i hope i never talk to you again.' i might say bye. i might say later. i might say good night. i might say a lot of things. i might say nothing. it may seem rude but it is meant to imply that i will talk to you again. the conversations will be continued at a later date or time. i intend on circling back in your direction. if i take the time and effort to say goodbye, i mean it. i either have no desire or intention of talking to you again. for whatever reason, if you hear it and you care, you should question it immediately. it is my final words on the matter.