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empallinand in response...
there are times when i get so upset that i really do not think about what i am saying. no i do not say things just to hurt people. that is not in my nature. i am sure i say a lot of things that do hurt people but never intentionally just to that end. usually the things that i say that are most hurtful and also most untrue are said with tears running down my face. after the fact i usually realize i confused certian things or said somethings that i only suspect but claim it all as true. but at that moment i do absolutely believe it to be true. emotionally i am a huge danger to those closest to me and most will unfortunately back me up on that. to me an apology is never fitting to the amount of pain i may have caused. i give them but as much as i may mean them they always seem weak.
a lot of this comes out in social situations. i do not deal well with them at all. they are and always have been very nerve racking for me. especially ones i cannot get out of quickly and easily. a lot of times i do not give a rats ass what people think of me. other times i need complete acceptance from certian people. most of the time that i don't care i just assume that everyone around me hates me. all of you. yes i usually do believe that. my paranoia does not allow that many close friends and the silence from those few only makes it worse. i generally assume i am at the center of one big joke. there is no reason to like me as far as i can see. i am nothing special and never shall i be.
i do honestly feel that i would be doing a huge favour to all involved if i could kill myself. apparently that is not possible. i have tried. and i have really tried. i have tried while under treatment. i have tried once a month at the very least since november. maybe i will get it right some day but i doubt it. i need to just accept the fact that that is one more thing i will never get right. maybe my reason to be here is to let others know how good they really have it. maybe i need some guidiance from god. ok, fuck that last part.
no i have not always been like this. as far as most people could see. i have always been good about covering up the pain with humor and smart assed remarks. so if it seems dark and twisted look for the truths behind it if you really want to know how i am doing. i figure most people don't want to know the truth about how i am doing so i hide it. just seems like i have gotten much more honest lately. or maybe i just gave up on trying to hide it. i really don't know. but yeah i really have always been like this just take a look at my poetry and prose blog and look at the older dated stuff. i could have written every one of them today. shit you can even compare it to the undated stuff since most of it was written more recently. so with that go ahead and take you shots.
questions for you.
do you really think the tips are funny or do you really want me to stop doing them?
do you want reviews of a) kill bill b) the hulk c) x-men 2 d) life without dick
any other\older movies you would like to see reviewed?
are you ready for book reviews?
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in other news i got both of the trio/bill hicks things and the lenny bruce one recorded. all the depressive comedy i could ever use. i was really hoping to see the bit where bill flips but no such luck. though they did show another one that was just as harsh. and the letterman appearnce was his second time on there so he is basically a kid and no where near as burt out on the biz. plus it has a chick in a latex dress long before you could just go to the mall and buy one.
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since we are back to regular posting let me just say...
i love you people. you so completely rock my world. seriously. each and every one of you.
there are times when i get so upset that i really do not think about what i am saying. no i do not say things just to hurt people. that is not in my nature. i am sure i say a lot of things that do hurt people but never intentionally just to that end. usually the things that i say that are most hurtful and also most untrue are said with tears running down my face. after the fact i usually realize i confused certian things or said somethings that i only suspect but claim it all as true. but at that moment i do absolutely believe it to be true. emotionally i am a huge danger to those closest to me and most will unfortunately back me up on that. to me an apology is never fitting to the amount of pain i may have caused. i give them but as much as i may mean them they always seem weak.
a lot of this comes out in social situations. i do not deal well with them at all. they are and always have been very nerve racking for me. especially ones i cannot get out of quickly and easily. a lot of times i do not give a rats ass what people think of me. other times i need complete acceptance from certian people. most of the time that i don't care i just assume that everyone around me hates me. all of you. yes i usually do believe that. my paranoia does not allow that many close friends and the silence from those few only makes it worse. i generally assume i am at the center of one big joke. there is no reason to like me as far as i can see. i am nothing special and never shall i be.
i do honestly feel that i would be doing a huge favour to all involved if i could kill myself. apparently that is not possible. i have tried. and i have really tried. i have tried while under treatment. i have tried once a month at the very least since november. maybe i will get it right some day but i doubt it. i need to just accept the fact that that is one more thing i will never get right. maybe my reason to be here is to let others know how good they really have it. maybe i need some guidiance from god. ok, fuck that last part.
no i have not always been like this. as far as most people could see. i have always been good about covering up the pain with humor and smart assed remarks. so if it seems dark and twisted look for the truths behind it if you really want to know how i am doing. i figure most people don't want to know the truth about how i am doing so i hide it. just seems like i have gotten much more honest lately. or maybe i just gave up on trying to hide it. i really don't know. but yeah i really have always been like this just take a look at my poetry and prose blog and look at the older dated stuff. i could have written every one of them today. shit you can even compare it to the undated stuff since most of it was written more recently. so with that go ahead and take you shots.
questions for you.
do you really think the tips are funny or do you really want me to stop doing them?
do you want reviews of a) kill bill b) the hulk c) x-men 2 d) life without dick
any other\older movies you would like to see reviewed?
are you ready for book reviews?
||||**^^^V^^^**||||
in other news i got both of the trio/bill hicks things and the lenny bruce one recorded. all the depressive comedy i could ever use. i was really hoping to see the bit where bill flips but no such luck. though they did show another one that was just as harsh. and the letterman appearnce was his second time on there so he is basically a kid and no where near as burt out on the biz. plus it has a chick in a latex dress long before you could just go to the mall and buy one.
||||**^^^V^^^**||||
since we are back to regular posting let me just say...
i love you people. you so completely rock my world. seriously. each and every one of you.
