empallin | ripping up words I thought were important maybe that will blow the window open

Come get your fortune read!
Created by ptocheia

so i sat down to do a couple of more of those tips and put the intro up on the page where they are being collected but i really feel like clearing my head a little more. right now - and a lot lately - i feel that yeah it would be better for a lot of people if i just died or disappeared. no, i am not going to do anything stupid. at least without some kind of warning. i am more wishing someone would just off me without motive or reason in a drive by or something. then it would all be done with. most of it comes from the fact that things are moving much slower than i need or want them too. which componds the fact that i can't ever seem to do anything right. blah, blah, blah...you don't even care. the really funny thing is that someone started paxil today. the funny part? it wasn't me. but that is good because food stamps don't buy meds.

we went to the fair today for a while. no rides. no games. just way too much walking sitting and eating. ok we played one game that was a hershey's promotional thing but that doesn't count because it wasn't rigged like the real games. the shirt that i won off of it is proff of that. too bad it's a large. the day my fat ass is comfortable in a large is the day they start measuring them like dress sizes. the amount of free stuff was on the very low side so it was a let down. but getting the shirt did help. and the magnets. and rulers. and pens. and stickers. and recipes out the ass. even if i never use most of them i am tring to collect all the recipes i can. from there they are getting scanned in and eventually organized. then i can have that database that i have always wanted. hopefully i still have some room in that package for

heymaggie that is waiting to be mailed.

while walking around the fair we ended up again talking about why i can't play darts in bars. i could play and i could probably even make money but it always feels like i am cheating. when i was in sixth grade we had a house with a basement. it held water and the dampness and smell kept everyone else out most of the time so i claimed it as mine. since i didn't (don't and will never) have what you call the social skills i didn't really have any friends. so mostly i played darts. i had my self convinced that the darts would get ruined in they hit the concrete so i always had to hit the board. sure i wanted to get a bullseye but I had to hit the board. the problem was i always thought i could hit it from further away. so i play at a distance until i felt comfortable then back up a step and start the process over. this went on to the point were i had no more room to step back. may forty or fifty feet.

so several years later a friend and i decide we are going to go out and get drunk play darts and pick up chicks.she had a girlfriend and we all know how good allin is at picking up chicks. [let's pause to clarify that we are not talking cute little socially acceptable lipstick lesbians here. continue] especially in a bar. a lesbian bar. so beer and darts it was. it was coin beer night so that was a good thing. sure it was american beers but at least it was in bottles. before we started playing i told her that it had been many years since i had played and i had no idea how good i was. she asked me if i wanted to play for money. i laughed it off and let her go. she got a little grumpy when i hit the bullseye two throws in a row. aside from feeling like i was cheating i also felt like i was right against the board. i need so room to throw but i don't want the attention it brings. it is just another something stupid i learned from not getting out enough.

while at the fair today we overheard someone who seems to have that same problem. we were standing there planning attack strategies against architecture when they guy says "i'm glad we came out here. this is really fun." he tone of voice was pure excitement. no hint of sarcasm. no hint of mental retardation. just pure unbridled excitement. we kind of looked at each other with these odd looks and then went completely off. sure the fair might be fun but it is never that fun. i want whatever he is on.

further in our wandering we came across a table for the oklahoma historical society. we paused just long enough to look at some of the books they were offering for sale. just the titles of a handful of them gave me an idea of how much research i am going to have to do for a couple of the site i plan on doing. but first i have to get my meds stabalized so that i might actually be able to handle dealing with people. without wanting to kill all of them. then from there get a job that will provide funds to get this stuff done. so i shall research in the mean time. i keep thinking i might eventually move one or both of those ideas into the paper publishing world and try to turn a profit off of them but what the hell do i know about real publishing? but hey if i even get either one started it will force me to get out more. i could always go back to jersey and turn a profit.

the weirdest thing about to day though did not happen at the fair. it happened on tv. i was flipping through channels and came across this channel called trio that i had never seeen before. maybe it is a new addition to the line up. maybe they don't have any real programming after dark. no matter it caught my attention this time. i was actually looking at the guide at the time and saw something that made my head twitch. a show listed as soft cell in milan. i kind of laughed and thought that could not be what i was thinking it was. a soft cell concert on tv? why would that even exist? couldn't be. then i thought for a little longer. what else could it be? that's what it was alright. i am glad i only caught the very end of it because i really would have been hating myself if i had been stunned into watching the whole thing for one song. two at best. do we really need that in the world? what's next? a gang green movie? on the other hand they are showing drugstore cowboy today. and any movie with uncle bill playing a junkie can't be bad. too bad i already own a copy or two of it.

now here are two questions for you.
1] should i get rid if my sacred arnold palmer cardigan?
2] why would said cardigan be considered a holy artifact?

with that i am off to research a project from hell. let's hear it for watching star trek movies on zoom and frame by frame. or not.