sit and suck

[empallin]

welcome to the pity party. As things stand things are going to hell in a hand basket. I had a discussion that the next story here would be about me getting the hell out of Oklahoma. Well...I don't know if I will get it written. I have this realy awkward feeling that my time here is running short. Something about a car accident. Just a feeling and if it's not true, I'll be happy but look like a complete ass. My sanity is slipping again. Too many things not making sense. Too many things I want or need to do but can't. Pain. Pain. Pain. physical. mental. emotional. Very alone. no one to talk to. no one understands. accepted since no one ever understand anyone else. but yeah it's that bad. I don't want to bore anyone with the horrid details but damn I have to get some of this off my chest. I just don't care. these stupid projects that I think are important but will not take me anywhere. will not do anything but kill my time. time where I should be doing all those things I actually need to be doing. always tired but can't sleep. too many pills. just wasting everybodys time. stupid. I should have been back in school again. I should be better off. I hate my job. I miss my family. I miss my friends. and I am just an asshole. it never seems to work out. the times where it seems like it might be going right, I fuck it up some how. smoking too much. not drinking enough. wasting so much time on words no one will see. but I don't care how may people see it. just gotta get the crap out of my head. too much noise. I don't even understand me. where do I go from here? How did I make it this far? Why the hell did I end up here? Anybody mijnd if I just scream profanities and go to sleep for a while? so many apologies I really should make. So many things I really should explain. It would be funny if it weren't so sad. if anybody wants this shit, take it. I'll even put a fucking bow on it. I have nothing else to offer.

working the device
"Don't lets start this is the worst part" - TMBG
"If I could keep from fucking up just one more day I'd think about it then. I'd just throw it away" - Jane Jensen
"Pour you misery on me" - Garbage
"I've had all i wanted of a lot of things I've had and a lot more than I needed of some things that turned out bad" - Johnny Cash
"I know that you don't care but I want you to know" - Weezer
"I'll rip myself to pieces until the end of time then I'll glue them back together in a stip rhyme" - Geraldine Fibbers
"I'm hungry I'm dirty I'm losing my mind everythings fine" - Tracy Bonham
"No tears wasted No sorrow No pity No No crying No loss" - Flipper
"He's not wrong He's just different But his pride won't let him do things to make you think he's right" - Waylon Jennings & Willie Nelson
"I'm so sorry for what I've done and I'm out here on my own" - Holy Cole