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"don't count on me to let you know when. don't count on me i'll do it again. don't count on me is the point you're missing. don't count on me because i'm not listening" -sum 41 'fat lip' i am so sick of hurting the ones i love so much. if you look back on my life you will see that i have consistently made the wrong choices. not always the easy and convenient ones but always the wrong ones. if i had been smart this whole problem with my marriage would have been done a long time ago. one of the unborn children never would have happened. i wouldn't be anywhere near where i am now. it would have been just as hard as the choices i did make but just as hard. i have dug myself out of some pretty deep whole in the past but i am in some now that i don't think i can get out of them. i have no idea if i am ever going to make it back to oklahoma, dead or alive. i want the divorce to be finished now. i want my back and head fixed now. i want those around me to be happy even if it means that i am not in their life. it may sound like bullshit but whenever ones persons causes for enjoyment so harshly conflict with ones own, it does not seem right to expect either person to change everything they know and enjoy just for the sake of comfort. "here's a token of my love. thanks that was fun. don't forget. no regrets. except maybe one. made a deal. not to feel. god that was dumb." -barenaked ladies 'thanks that was fun' i have problems with sitting still. i have to over analyze everything and expect the worse because in my life that is usually what happens. the same things over and over again from making the wrong choices. their certain things in life that i want and i have very high expectation of those who expect to share them with me. i don't want to be a control freak. i just freak out if that person is not meeting my expectations. if i am not meeting them i will push myself while pushing those closest to me away. maybe it's part of the mental issues i have. i know it is because of those issues that i don't cover much of what is going on in my personal life in my writings. hind sight is 20/20. sure it leaves a lot of gaps but it would hurt more people if i just let everything go. it is very hard for me to mention people currently of personal interest in my works. take a look at my stories. most of them are so old i have lost contact with most or all of the people in them. >"i have come to bring you my burden. of every sleepless night without you in my arms. being bored and calm and sometimes sober." -cracker 'don't fuck me up [with peace and love] as for my friends, i constantly question them because i know so little about them. even the people it seems like i have known forever. i try to accept people for who they are. i really try. but i have trouble accepting me as i am and i know damn well that my tastes, desires, and opinions are so frequently changing that it is hard for me to say something is perfect and not think the whole idea is wrong a minute later. i hope everyone is ok but i accept that generally does not include be being around. no matter how much that fact or matter hurts me. of course i also feel that my words constantly annoy those around me. to some degree i know it's true but i don't know how true. shit i even get annoyed by how much i cry when talking to certain people. i don't like people seeing me in that condition. but you can't see it right now so it's ok. "it's no surprise to me. i am my own worst enemy. because every now and then. i kick the living shit out of me" -lit 'my own worst enemy' it makes me feel even more messed up when it happens. and to make things worse i am getting a lot of my passion back. it was only december or so when i admitted to one friend that i was pretty much broken. i was pretty far down hill before that but at that point i was done. of course it was only a matter of a days basically before i tried to snuff it for the first time of this streak. seven times in four months is not the way i do things. i quit that a long time ago. i make jokes about it a lot of times but whenever i am filled with drive i will just go off. the hate and anger will come out before the actions are even close. it is those times that my hand or fist usually ends up going through a wall or shit gets thrown around. and those recent attempts were not cries for help. they were done at home by myself and there are several people that do not know they happened or how many. until they read this basically no one knows about how many times it was. but i am done with that. yeah, i wish that i had gotten it right the first time in such a bad way. well i didn't and i have things to take care. the words are going to be coming out faster and harsher. the noise is going to get louder and harder. i am not going to be quiet even if it may seem like i am being cold. that chill is there so you actually here what i have to say. so if you think you can put up with that bring it on, otherwise get the hell out of my way. "i was looking into the mirror. to see a little bit clearer. the rottenness and evil in me." -harvey danger 'flagpole sitta' one thing you have to know is that when i am in the mode, i am not going to let anything just pass. i am not going to hold back. i will try to be as polite as possible but if you hurt me you are going to get hurt right back. spite may not be the right answer but it is what i am going to be delivering. i'll even put a fucking bow on it for you. do not mistake this as confidence. i will tell you straight out that this is self destruct mode on high. act before thinking and get it done with. i am going to be making even worse choices than normal but i can kick my own ass for them, thank you. don't try telling me what i should do. you live your life and i'll live mine. and while i am at it, fuck you. fuck everything. fuck you. fuck you. and fuck you. i hope you are prepared for reentry because it will be a hard landing. so you want to know what's going on. a lot of things. i am sick of being down. i am sick of getting sick at certain words. i am sick of being alone. i am sick of people not understanding because i don't know. i may not explian it that well but i am going to explain it into the ground the best i can. so you want to know how i am doing. i am doing fucking horrible. i know you don't care but i am going to tell you anyway. i hate everything. i hate the way my life has turned out. i hate the fact that i have wasted so many years on things that were a lie from the start. i am ready for a fight and i am not backing down. "a piece o peace for you. a piece o peace for me. but i don't act peaceful if you're not that way to me" -spearhead 'piece o peace' this is it. sure i'll be nice. sure i'll talk to my friends. but i will be calling bullshit where i see it. you can't completely break my heart and then expect me to just forgive it as if nothing happened. and i don't expect you to be that forgiving either. honestly i think i should give up on expecting anything from other people. i should not expect my friends to be there forever. i should not expect people to tell the truth. most people can't be honest with themselves, much less some else. it would definitely make things easier for everyone involved. it was a lot easier without the passion. why the hell should i care in the first place. just sit back and take it easy. i was calm but not so collected. all these years that people have told me to relax. i finally do it and it comes damn close to killing me. it should have. but that is not my problem anymore. it's yours. """don't forget it's me who put you were you are now. and i can put you back there too. don't. don't you want me. you know i can't believe it when i hear that you wont see me" -human league 'don't you want me'
and another thing...like i said i am not going to work on the story any more until i see comments. tear it apart if you want. might as well. some of you have torn me apart enough times in other way.
and another thing...if you expect to break my heart by basically telling me to fuck off and then expect to waltz right back into my life without an apology, you really should think again.
and another thing...i owe a huge apology to my girlfriend. someone should probably check in with her and find out how much of a dickhead i am being. i don't know any other way.
and another thing...these posts are written mostly offline and posted at the library, so do not mistake them as a sign that everything is ok. it is far from it.
