he wasn't good enough for her

I love Debi But yeah, hi, it's not working. I don't know what to do. I am not in my right mind and really cannot judge what would be the best option. I have been trying to keep myself busy with other thoughts just to keep from thinking about it. I do know that no matter what choice is made she will end up hating me. If she doesn't already. I would really like to work the situation out but I really don't think that is possible. It would require counseling which she has stated very self assured that she would not do. That and there was nothing wrong with her. I did agree. But who am I to judge? From my point of view it is a bad situation that will only get worse. And I am in desparate need of meds. Mothers little helper. But that should come on wednesday. Now I have to find someone to pick me up from the hospital on thursday after my shot. This whole situation sucks more than anything in my life has ever sucked. I am already mental, do I really need help going over the edge to the point of no return. And to make it even better there is no one near by that I would consider to be a friend. So I just sit and suck and try to keep breathing.

Wheels On Fire 002

I got to Kelly's house, In Columbia, as the sun was coming up. Not the first time that this had happed but it was the last. She was just getting ready to leave for work. That's ok, I'm going to sleep. When I woke up she told me we were going to meet some friends of hers and see shat the plan was for this wonderful fourth of July Holiday. So we it ended up that we all headed over to the new Blue Note to see the Dead Milkmen with Edsel(opening) opening. During the opening band we all sat there getting pretty much trashed. It was pitcher draft all night. The only things I remember about the opening bands set is no one being there and everybody complaining about how load it was. I actually thought that was kind of odd for this bunch but it was very load. Next up came the Dead Milkmen. My memory on that is very week as well. I remember someone knocking a beer off a keyboard. That and at opening the Conspiracy Song someone on stage saying "Someone you trust is one of us" or something very similar. I remember walking off at one point. I was just looking out the one of the huge windows. Drunk and amazed. I go to stand up and there is a girl staring out one of the other windows. I said 'hi' and then returned to my party. After the set was over I went up to the stage to hand over a zine. And then we left from there.

From there we went over to a another of her friends house. I actually think it was a friend of a friend but Columbia is a small town. I don't actually recall beer being there but there must have been because I continued to be der-unk. At some point the fireworks came out. No one wanted to shoot them off here so it was decided they would get shot off from the roof of the building where Kelly's mom worked. I actually don't remember seeing any fired from there. Apparently there were some though because Kelly mention something later about people showing up for work the next day to a parking lot filled with spent works. On the way back to the house a pollice officer pulls up to our group asking if we are shooting off fireworks. Of course not. It is illegal to fire them in city limits. While several people are talking to the officer Kelly hands me a gross (A group of 144 items; 12 dozen) of bottle rockets and says to hide them. Oh, ok. I stuffed them up my shirt. That was a good hiding place. I think the only reason I walked away from that is because the officer was having a rough night and I was hidden by bodies. So it was deffinately back to the house.

So the fireworks started going off in small doses. Things that don't make too much noise, etc. Testing the waters so to speak. Everybody is sitting there awing pver them. When the bottle rockets came back out, I had to become involved. So I walked towards the back of the yard and started dare people to try to hit me with them. Kids, do not try this at home. Firewaorks are basically explosives and you could get hurt very easily and very bad. Well, I wasn't at home and I was not of sover and sound mind. So I ended up having something like five guys trying to hit me with bottle rockets. It was stupid for so many reasons but this is what I did. Now if you know any thing about bottle rockets you know they fly very fast but not very straight. That part about straight is why I actually felt safe doing this. "Man you guys suck" at the top of my lungs. Then there was a lull in the action because on of the rockets had gone into the open window of the back of a house. Somebody said it was ok because the house was vacant but everybody should still keep an eye out in case of fire. The I said, "oh you can make it through a window but you can't hit a person!" That started the fire fight back up for a few seconds. Then there was another lull. Through my beer goggles I could see they were going back in to the bag of tricks. Another rocket came out. It took me no time to realize this one was about 100 times bigger than the previous ones. At that point I started walking back towards the house saying something like "are you fucking high?" Of course they might have been but the were deffinately drunk.

So I sat down and started watching them enjoy the works again. Then someone handed me a dozen bottle rockets, saying something about deserving them. I was about halway through them before I decided it would be a good idea to drop one amounst the drunk watchers. That was pure fucking chaos. Dumb but beautiful. Then it was decided I should go inside the house. Thats cool, there's AC in there. So I am sitting there drinking a beer that has magically appered in my hand and telling Kelly how beautiful I think the furniture is. I came here with her so it was her job to babysit me. A lot of furniture rambling. Then Kelly asks someone who lives there who furniture it is. And so he either goes and gets her or tells Kelly her name so we can find her when she passes through. And eventually she comes in to ask if anyone needs drinks. This being Kelly and I since we are the only two in there and I am not allowed to move about freely. I verify it's her furniture and then completement her on it. As the conversation progress a very weird thing happens. Kelly and I bouth figure out she is very interested in me. This is weird to me because it has not happened a lot in my life where I could tell. Plus, well, what do I have to interested in? So when she goes away to get beer, Kelly leans over and tells me I should ask her out. I try to quietly explain I am in the middle of driving halway across the country and can't do it. Not for lack of interest but very bad timing. the topic gets dropped very quickly as she comes back into the room. The convesation basically continues until Kelly says we have to go home. So we say our good-byes and walk back to her house.

I don't really know what they're proud of. The fact that they fuckin' lost?

One more post to make the day complete.

So saturday morning I was at work and a commercial for Macy's came on. It said they were opening at 6:00 am and the first 1000 people in each store would get a free $5 giftcard. Well, this was the news I was waiting for. So I figured if I went to check the mail and got food, I could make it too one by six. it was a plan. So I went and check the mail for the first time in too weeks. So there was no mail in the box. Just notes. "Too much mail" and "You have a package". Kind of had to expect this. So it was of to the Castle for a milk shake and some cheese burgers. I always forget and then get reminded how screwy they are at that time in the morning. I ended up sitting at the drive through for about 10-15 minutes. Dammit, I have a schedule here. I finally got my breakfast and headed for the Macy's futherest away from where I was. My MBE doesn't open until 9:00 on saturdays and if I timed it right I could hit two or three stores and still get there before they opened, I was going to work this scam to it's fullest. So I go to Macy's at like 5:58 am. Have a cigarette and let the other morons go first. Rich people don't usually wake up early and poor people usually don't shop at Macy's and the middle class is always getting smaller. So I knew I had room to play. So I got my card and headed for the tree ornaments. That was all I was getting anyway. That is all i ever buy there, which dates back to Mike and David and numerous trips to Dallas. It ended up being better because all of the ornaments were 30% off. Now this is what you call a score. So I figured 10 marked price of ornaments and head for the register boy. And hell ya I want it gift wrapped. I was out of there and off to the next one. But I had to make a call first. Hey Mike get up and go to Macy's now. No. Oklahoha City doesn't have any...and Sara is going to kick your ass. Sorry, gotta go. Umm, yeah you do.

I decided on the way that I was only going to go for two because the third one would have taken me way out of the way. Oh well. Got to the secnd one and got my card, a handbill, and a lifesavers from an old bat. She was basically shoving the things into peoples hands, acting like her shit didn't stink. So rather than dealing with her I asked someone else where the ornaments were. Third floor. He should have added that they were in a broom closet. Since I had time I actually looked around at this one. I found this worderful set of Mikasa ornaments that I was very tempted to get. I love Mikasa but $45 was out of my price range. For now. If you really love me and don't know what to get me anything Mikasa will do. So I finally found some ornaments that would do and headed to the register again. Ass the girl is ringing me up she tells me I am getting an addional 15 % off. Cha-ching! There was just one more thing to take care of. Ask that bitch who her manager was. Well I got down there and she was no where in sight. Instead there were three shiny happy girls handing out the cards. I was actually trying to dodge them when they handed me another card. Was I suppose to deny this? Well, I sure as hell wasn't going to, since the cards don't expire until the end of the month. After Xmess sales here I come again. And since I had to deal with the fragrence section anyway I thought I would stop and get a price on Egoiste Platinum By Chanel. Debi loves this stuff and I can never convince myself to buy it. Well, the small bottle was $50. Fuck me. Nevermind. I'm not sure which one of us has the more expensive tastes. So I just got a spay from one of the samples and called it quits.

In the end I hit two stores, got three cards, and spent about $4 on $22 worth of Xmess decor. And worked the scam to death just because I could. And I was still at MBE before they opened. I did more before 9:00 am than I normally do all day. And on pain killers.

[I was going to post a nice little picture but I am having serious PhotoShop/XP problems. Maybe later, maybe tomarrow]

Sick For Toys

Ok I kinda worked around the problem, so here's the picture to go with the Macy's thing.



[the green dot in the bottom left is confetti that never made it off the scanner]