now most of the time im a peaceful man but i lost my temper that day

[empallin]

ok so my updates have been few and farer between. and more and more lacking in content. so tonight i am going to go off and actually do a real update of sorts. maybe even explain some things off. no matter how long it actually takes.

a lot of the reason for the lack of updates has to do with an increasing ability to maintain attention to anything for more than a few minutes. it has become painful for me to sit still and write more than a few words. some of it real and actual physical pain that has been there for almost two years now. some of it mental agony. the words just dont seem to come out the way i want them to. or as freely as i am used to.

this from someone who is used to working on several projects at once. from someone who previously had more words than time. more ideas than words. and more energy than what what was really normal or healhty. maybe its just me going through life changes. maybe its the meds. my guess is its the meds. you know, the ones i take by the handful. as ordered by the doctors.

speaking of this mountain of meds (11-12 a day at this point), i am really wondering how much it has been helping. on one hand i haven't even half ass tried to kill myself in a few months, but not near as many months as you may have been lead to believe. on the other hand i still think about it a lot. probably more than you even want to imagine.

part of me is proud that i haven't tried. like i am finally doing something to get things back on track. like things are on their way to being something resemabling normal. but part of me thinks i am not doing something i should be. i am so used to doing it i feel like i am off some unspoken schedule. i know that is 'not right' but it is how i feel. its not like i have anything to offer the world anyway so it really shouldnt matter one way or the other.

now we circle back around to the whole writing thing. i have made pages of mental notes of things i want to write or write about but most of that gets tossed to the wind every time i close my eyes. or actually sit down to try to write something. its just not there anymore. those who know me know i keep a notebook but that hasn't been written in for so many months that honestly i dont even remember where it is.

i have also gotten worse and worse at answering emails. this is not anything personal. this has been everybody. ive been checking my email and even reading it. i just cant bring myself to reply to most of them with even the slightest bit of acknowledge that i got them. i really want to work on that but i am not going to make any promises. it is the same with all sorts of relationships in general. i have just generally been withdrawing from all of them. i dont think it is intentional but i have noticed it.

if you want to know the basics of some of the stuff that i can actually remember keep reading. otherwise the rest is pretty useless.

i was going to do reviews of the cat in the hat and the master of diguise but the reviews would have been pretty much identical. they didn't suck as much as i had been lead to believe but neither are what i would call kids movies. this coming from someone who started reading porn as early as third grade. not proud of that fact, just happens to be that way.

if i call you please answer or call me back. if you call me back, i will call you back so you are not hit with massive phone charges. it is more workables for me to do that the way things stand right now. this specifically applies to you. this is void of course if you have no desire to talk to me.

i am really tired of these communities on here that are mostly just adds for ebay auctions and other communities. even with 100+ members in some cases. someone should be popped in the head for this kinda stuff.