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empallinJoyce had a short but strong impact on my life. the first time i met her was when a group of us were going out to the club. originally we were walking around causing the unnotable type of mayhem that a group high school punk rock kids cause. i was always the most ''normal'' looking of the bunch because i never felt the need to dress the part even when i was allowed to lest i draw attention to myself, in case you want to know. nothing damaged. just making people nervous. any way some one got the idea to go my her house and see if she wanted to go with us. so someone went up to her house while the rest of us waited out of sight. no need to worry the parents. so we waited while she hurried to get ready. the touch ups could be done on the way. the we walked some more. i was at the back of the group so i could watch this one. i had seen her at school a few times but never had the opportunity to meet her. i was paying attention for sure now. basically that was the night for me and my memory fades. i remember asking Lynette or Nicole about her and whoever it was said she had a boyfriend.
the next time i saw her was not to long after that. Steve H and i were hanging out at Doc's house. it was early saturday morning so we just sat around playing with his keyboards and such. oddly enough for as much as i heard about his life from third parties close to me i never spent much time with him. he lived mostly by myth to me but i did meat him this one time. i am pretty sure i had already heard enough about him to know who he was. he was one of the cool older people. so eventually he and Steve hatch out a plan for the day. Doc made a phone call and we left a little while after that. we drive around for a bit and end up at Joyce's. i am torn about this. i suddenly know who her boyfriend is. on the other hand i am sitting in the same car as her.
we end up going to the Belle Isle power plant. this was not the recommended idea for the middle of the day. Belle Isle was a long abandoned power plant that sat on the northwest side of Oklahoma City for many years. it was only in the past few years that they tore it down to put in a wally world. one eyesore for another. Doc eventually found or made a way in. once we got inside we just stood there for a few moments. we had all been there before but i don't think any of us had seen how scary it looked in the day light. you could see the pits filled with water. you could see all the wholes in the floor. all the ones in the ceiling. it was actually scarier in the day than the night. i had been there about a year earlier when about twenty us went there from the club. we were going to go up on the roof. once we started up this one girl, possibly named Brandie*, started freaking out. so i felt it was my job to do something since everyone else was just laughing at her. he stairs were made of grating and had holes two feet across in certain spots where some kind of pipe had previously gone through them. i wasn't exactly comfortable myself. so i walked over and asked her if she was ok. she attached herself to my arm. i asked her if she wanted to go back down but she said she didn't. as long as was ok with it i was fine. everyone else kept making fun of her of and in between i would ask her if she wanted to go back down and it was ok if she did. i knew it was coming because as we went higher her grip got tighter. it was at the point that her nails started digging in that i straight out told her we were going back down. she just nodded her head. by the time we got back down i was bleeding. the scars only show on really cold days now. the welts went down pretty quickly.** so this time i was going to make it to the roof. and our group of four headed off in separate directions.
after a little effort and searching i found the right door. once i got out there i was instantly in a daze. it was such a beautiful view of a city i hated. it was so high. i was walking around thinking looking at the view and the stuff on the roof. my thoughts repeatedly circling back to Joyce. so beautiful. i eventually sat down for a while. it just felt weird. she was taken. i would never have a chance with her. but i was stuck on her. so much so that i could hardly talk to her. so i finally decided that i should just accept it and go find the others. i got up and walked around a little bit more still thinking about the whole thing. then i stepped on the wrong part of the roof and my foot went through it. i almost shit my pants. i was maybe eight stories up in a place i wasn't even supposed to be in the first place and i am about to die. luckily i held myself with just past my ankle down this freshly made whole. i yanked my foot out as quick as i could and almost ran along the visible support beams. once i get back inside i find out that everyone else was looking for me because they had been ready to leave for a while. so off we go to get dropped back off at Steve's house.
during our discussions one night AEPB hit on the topic of her. he knew who she was. that got me started. every so often i would ask him how she was doing. he eventually got sick of me going off and we hatched a plan for me to ask her out or at least get closer to her. he had a class with her and knew she was without a boyfriend so it was my time. but because of the way i am it never happened. i was ready to do it but never got around to it. then one night i get to his house and not long after i got there he took on this serious face. he had something bad to tell me. Joyce was dead. as he understood it she had hung herself after a guy stood her up. as many times as my friends stood me up and with my problems i could understand it. but. FUCK! what the fuck?! it is probably best that i never found out who the guy was because i would definitely gone after him. to some degree i still want to. yeah she obviously had some special problems but you are an idiot to hurt someone that beautiful.*** because of that i am stuck with the guilt that i never had the nerve to say anything. the only picture i have of her is one the AEPB got after it was pulled out of the yearbook. he had pointed out to the teacher what had happened and they decided to pull it. so now i have it. but because of this i lost interest in girls for a bit.****
*this was one of those girls that was interested in me that i was too stupid to notice. and this is the only other memory i have of her. one night at the club i was making fun of her because she was wearing an unbuttoned dress shirt tied in a not to keep it closed. i told her to remind me to laugh at her when it came undone. she was a heavy dancer so it was very likely. a few hours later she comes running up to me 'there you are. oh my god. it did come undone.' that's nice. i could have lived without knowing i was right about that.
**i would not have minded this but the reasons for it were all wrong. a better situation would have been so much nicer. about a year later i ended up with similar markings in almost the exact same place from another girl. another one trying to take a lighter away from me. another fucked up situation.
***yeah, i know. i should practice what i preach. but we already know that i am an idiot.
****and because of this and another situation you may have already figured out, i would not allow myself to have crushes for a long time. i could not handle the way the pattern was building. this fact will be covered a little more later.
the next time i saw her was not to long after that. Steve H and i were hanging out at Doc's house. it was early saturday morning so we just sat around playing with his keyboards and such. oddly enough for as much as i heard about his life from third parties close to me i never spent much time with him. he lived mostly by myth to me but i did meat him this one time. i am pretty sure i had already heard enough about him to know who he was. he was one of the cool older people. so eventually he and Steve hatch out a plan for the day. Doc made a phone call and we left a little while after that. we drive around for a bit and end up at Joyce's. i am torn about this. i suddenly know who her boyfriend is. on the other hand i am sitting in the same car as her.
we end up going to the Belle Isle power plant. this was not the recommended idea for the middle of the day. Belle Isle was a long abandoned power plant that sat on the northwest side of Oklahoma City for many years. it was only in the past few years that they tore it down to put in a wally world. one eyesore for another. Doc eventually found or made a way in. once we got inside we just stood there for a few moments. we had all been there before but i don't think any of us had seen how scary it looked in the day light. you could see the pits filled with water. you could see all the wholes in the floor. all the ones in the ceiling. it was actually scarier in the day than the night. i had been there about a year earlier when about twenty us went there from the club. we were going to go up on the roof. once we started up this one girl, possibly named Brandie*, started freaking out. so i felt it was my job to do something since everyone else was just laughing at her. he stairs were made of grating and had holes two feet across in certain spots where some kind of pipe had previously gone through them. i wasn't exactly comfortable myself. so i walked over and asked her if she was ok. she attached herself to my arm. i asked her if she wanted to go back down but she said she didn't. as long as was ok with it i was fine. everyone else kept making fun of her of and in between i would ask her if she wanted to go back down and it was ok if she did. i knew it was coming because as we went higher her grip got tighter. it was at the point that her nails started digging in that i straight out told her we were going back down. she just nodded her head. by the time we got back down i was bleeding. the scars only show on really cold days now. the welts went down pretty quickly.** so this time i was going to make it to the roof. and our group of four headed off in separate directions.
after a little effort and searching i found the right door. once i got out there i was instantly in a daze. it was such a beautiful view of a city i hated. it was so high. i was walking around thinking looking at the view and the stuff on the roof. my thoughts repeatedly circling back to Joyce. so beautiful. i eventually sat down for a while. it just felt weird. she was taken. i would never have a chance with her. but i was stuck on her. so much so that i could hardly talk to her. so i finally decided that i should just accept it and go find the others. i got up and walked around a little bit more still thinking about the whole thing. then i stepped on the wrong part of the roof and my foot went through it. i almost shit my pants. i was maybe eight stories up in a place i wasn't even supposed to be in the first place and i am about to die. luckily i held myself with just past my ankle down this freshly made whole. i yanked my foot out as quick as i could and almost ran along the visible support beams. once i get back inside i find out that everyone else was looking for me because they had been ready to leave for a while. so off we go to get dropped back off at Steve's house.
during our discussions one night AEPB hit on the topic of her. he knew who she was. that got me started. every so often i would ask him how she was doing. he eventually got sick of me going off and we hatched a plan for me to ask her out or at least get closer to her. he had a class with her and knew she was without a boyfriend so it was my time. but because of the way i am it never happened. i was ready to do it but never got around to it. then one night i get to his house and not long after i got there he took on this serious face. he had something bad to tell me. Joyce was dead. as he understood it she had hung herself after a guy stood her up. as many times as my friends stood me up and with my problems i could understand it. but. FUCK! what the fuck?! it is probably best that i never found out who the guy was because i would definitely gone after him. to some degree i still want to. yeah she obviously had some special problems but you are an idiot to hurt someone that beautiful.*** because of that i am stuck with the guilt that i never had the nerve to say anything. the only picture i have of her is one the AEPB got after it was pulled out of the yearbook. he had pointed out to the teacher what had happened and they decided to pull it. so now i have it. but because of this i lost interest in girls for a bit.****
*this was one of those girls that was interested in me that i was too stupid to notice. and this is the only other memory i have of her. one night at the club i was making fun of her because she was wearing an unbuttoned dress shirt tied in a not to keep it closed. i told her to remind me to laugh at her when it came undone. she was a heavy dancer so it was very likely. a few hours later she comes running up to me 'there you are. oh my god. it did come undone.' that's nice. i could have lived without knowing i was right about that.
**i would not have minded this but the reasons for it were all wrong. a better situation would have been so much nicer. about a year later i ended up with similar markings in almost the exact same place from another girl. another one trying to take a lighter away from me. another fucked up situation.
***yeah, i know. i should practice what i preach. but we already know that i am an idiot.
****and because of this and another situation you may have already figured out, i would not allow myself to have crushes for a long time. i could not handle the way the pattern was building. this fact will be covered a little more later.
