i know i repeat myself. frequently. i have to say it to clear it out of my head. i dont say it to get attention. i dont want the attention. especially not that sort. its not that i have a hard life. its that i have a hard time accepting life and living. its not so much that i want to die. i just accepted a long time ago that i am one that the world would be better without. i have nothing to offer the world and i am a burden and annoyance to too many people. if i die its just the way things work out. its part of the process. sure there a number of thing i would like to get done before it happens. a disproportionately large number of things, but i never get anything done anyway so its a wash. you can try to argue it with me all you want but as i see it there is no debate. i am stating fact to your opinions and upbringing. its not that i dont care about your opinion so much as it does no good to waste your time trying to apply it here. yes i hurt a lot. yes i consider snuffing it more than you could ever want to imagine. no i dont do the standard warning signs. those people want someone to stop them. its not something they live with every minute of every day. yes i make plans to do it but its basically daydreaming and anyone that knows me knows i dont really plan anything i do. no i dont know what it means to be happy. yes i have tried. i still try. partly because maybe it will make things tolerable. but mostly because if i do it shuts up enough people that i can get through the day without being bothered. i know it bothers a lot of people for me to talk so openly about a lot of this. the only thing i can suggest is keeping your distance. i cannot be saved because there is nothing left to save. this is not a goodbye note or anything like that. just clearing house and trying to explain to those who dont know or dont get it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
