youll get the message by the time im through

this is a funny little story that gives you some idea of what it means to be in my funny little head

we were at a con some time ago (does matter when or which one) and i return to the table and a lunchbox from the cartoon clerks is shown to me. i commented on how cool it was and then i am told that it was bought for me. I should have been excited. and i was. as much as i could be.

i had been having a miserable time at the convention as i am prone to do. i get nervous scared strung-out and over-peopled easily. there is also a lot of the 'what goes up i must come down' in that when i get excited i in short notice have a hard emotional crash. and i was on the edge of stability as i know it at the point that this lunchbox was given to me. i almost broke down crying right then and there.

instead i took a breath and asked that it be put away and changed the subject. then i promptly and intentionally forgot about. not because i didnt appreciate the gift but because i really couldnt deal with it.

i couldnt even begin to count the times i have gotten into arguments or had breakdowns because of people giving me gifts that i knew i was not deserving of. it is not what i think. it is what i know. i am not worth the time or moeny to have the money spent on me. that is part of the reason that gift cards really screw me up. they dont let you put penny amounts on them. but its funny because i collect spent gift cards.

basically i get in this loop of "i am not worth this but i guess this person thinks i am but i am an idiot for not being able to accept it with diginty but its because i know i am not worth this"...repeat a billion times.

this is why i was yelling at my sister for getting me the audrey hepburn picture from ikea...and luckily she wasnt around to hear me. because again it wasnt that i didnt appreciate it. it was because really i dont know how to deal with things like that. my intention in yelling at her was not to curse her but instead myself and the mental and physical pain that this causes. mostly headaches and nausea. oh i can so tell you wish you were me.

pandy got the same treatment at christmas after the whole ps3/beatles rock band thing. but she was within firing range. she knew the anger wasnt targeted at her even if in the end it was her doing so her basic responses were "deal with it" "we need a blue-ray player" and "you ever think i might want it in the house as well." of course when i told her she should have it she told me to go fuck myself in the politest ways possible...repeat a billion times.

so because of many things the lunchbox lunchbox ended up in pandys control since we came home in seperate vehicles. she left it sitting by the door where i would see it when i got in. i saw it but left it where it was because i was still trapped in this overly stressed weekend.

after i had been home for about 30 minutes or so she asked if i had seen it. i responded that i had and i would move it in a little bit. she asked me to go look at it. so i did because at this point i was so fried that she could have said walk out side without my clothes and i would have just went 'ok'.

i picked it up and it was heavier then it should have been. i opened it to find it filled with various view askew/jay and silent bob action and inaction figures. and that is the point that i broke down crying