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if i sit here long enough
maybe youll walk back into my life
in just the same way
you told me to walk out of yours
let me believe that lie
so that maybe i can survive
and make it through another day
i know what my mistakes were
and the things i did not do
and the things i cannot revive
i remember you voice distictly
i was never there for you
were the last words i heard you say
i just wish i had not been too far gone
to tell you i was never there for either of us
and that may never change
so i am stuck sitting here thinking
maybe i can drink you back through that door
[yes it feels unfinished but that is as far as it is going]
-------------------------------------
i have a mix cd ready to go to any takers. send me your address, you lj user name if i have never been to you house and what name to address it to at empallin_yahoo_com. and let me know you want it. if you are absoluutely sure i have you address you can just reply in comments that you want it. they will go out at the first of the month so the quicker you get the info to me the more likely you are to get it in a reasonable amount of time. and this is open to any one on my friends list so no need to be shy.
nat - this is the one i gave you. so you will get the inserts but no cd (because you already have it) unless you really want another one for the car or the husband. and feel free to add a quick review just dont give up the tracks included if you do. mmmkay?
-------------------------------------
my brains gone my souls worn and my spirit is torn the rest of my bodys still being operated on
to get the basics out of the way here is my life in part of a nutshell...(part 1.5)
and this was just getting too detailed and it is all out of order anyway so i am putting here and i will either work around it or completely rewrite it. i am just so not happy with it...but then i am never happy with my words because they always seem wrong. not to mention the fact that i am a complete fucking idiot. enjoy.
the summer between my freshmen and sophomore years my younger sister and i had gone down to dallas to stay with my mother and her second husband in the apartment they had moves into, we were supposed to stay for a month or so but again tensions rose and my sister decided she wanted to go back home.
my sophomore year also ended up being one of the few times in my life that i had more than one or two close frineds. in one of the first days of class i ran into a girl that i had talked to for an hour or so after school the year before because neither of us really wanted to go home for our own seperate reasons. and for some time she was a very good friend until i royally fucked things up. thankyouverymuch. i found out much later that a lot of people actually thought we were dating and in a way we were but not really at all. and really i would rather not say much more about all of that because it brings back too many very painful memories.
that same year is when i got enrolled in an art class taught by a teacher who had gone to school with my mother and by the end of it all end up teaching me and both of my sisters to one degree or another. it was because of this class that i was kind of able to let things out which in turn allowed me to get to know people. It also started giving me more and more ideas for the whole zine thing. However because of the zine and going out to clubs to see bands and such most of the people i started getting to know were from other parts of the city country and world.
looking back on it the one thing that still amuses me is that even though i never went to any of the sporting events i went to almost all of the school dances. it was kind of because of that that i started wearing cardigans. or mr rogers sweaters as some people prefer to call them.
i let my school work slack quite a bit because of work on the zine but i always did enough to get by. i studied when i needed to pass a test and even occasionally did my homework but for the most part i got by on what i picked up in class. i felt that i was getting a better education doing what i was doing but i knew the shit would hit the fan in so many ways if i failed out or dropped out. even though there were several times were i thought about testing out with a ged. it was just that staying in school kept a lot of resources close by.
frequently i ended up having a roll and chocolate milk for lunch and then going into the library to type stuff up or pillage for paste up materials. i did that for a while and then i got smart and picked up and old manual typewriter at a thrift store. that lasted until i talked my dad into getting my an electric on for christmas on year. even though he had told me to stop doing the zine at the same time i told him i was and that there was a chance that i could get expelled for it but that was a risk i was willing to take. but i did quit. for like half an hour. and i still cant type for shit.
the following summer i got my first legitimate job as an enviroment specialist aka a janitor for enviromential services who were outsourced to clean the doctors towers at baptist medical center. i refused to work food service and this was evening hours with little supervision and little contact with the general public. plus i got to use a huge ass power vac that i would ride when no one was looking. damn that was fun but i am easily amused. of course a chunk of my checks went to zine stuff such as better pens and the like.
the suprise to a lot of people was that i saved up enough to buy my own commodore 64. i started out with just the core system and a book on programming for it and then piece by piece upgraded it until i reached the point where i needed a floppy drive to save my work. i had programmed the one out of the book that made a ball bounce around the screen and one of my own creation that made it a really expensive stobe light. really simple stuff but anything beyond that was going to need to be saved because of the time involved. i knew that if i really wanted i could buy the game cartridges for it but i never got the urge or desire. that wasnt what i bought it for.
maybe youll walk back into my life
in just the same way
you told me to walk out of yours
let me believe that lie
so that maybe i can survive
and make it through another day
i know what my mistakes were
and the things i did not do
and the things i cannot revive
i remember you voice distictly
i was never there for you
were the last words i heard you say
i just wish i had not been too far gone
to tell you i was never there for either of us
and that may never change
so i am stuck sitting here thinking
maybe i can drink you back through that door
[yes it feels unfinished but that is as far as it is going]
-------------------------------------
i have a mix cd ready to go to any takers. send me your address, you lj user name if i have never been to you house and what name to address it to at empallin_yahoo_com. and let me know you want it. if you are absoluutely sure i have you address you can just reply in comments that you want it. they will go out at the first of the month so the quicker you get the info to me the more likely you are to get it in a reasonable amount of time. and this is open to any one on my friends list so no need to be shy.
nat - this is the one i gave you. so you will get the inserts but no cd (because you already have it) unless you really want another one for the car or the husband. and feel free to add a quick review just dont give up the tracks included if you do. mmmkay?
-------------------------------------
my brains gone my souls worn and my spirit is torn the rest of my bodys still being operated on
to get the basics out of the way here is my life in part of a nutshell...(part 1.5)
and this was just getting too detailed and it is all out of order anyway so i am putting here and i will either work around it or completely rewrite it. i am just so not happy with it...but then i am never happy with my words because they always seem wrong. not to mention the fact that i am a complete fucking idiot. enjoy.
the summer between my freshmen and sophomore years my younger sister and i had gone down to dallas to stay with my mother and her second husband in the apartment they had moves into, we were supposed to stay for a month or so but again tensions rose and my sister decided she wanted to go back home.
my sophomore year also ended up being one of the few times in my life that i had more than one or two close frineds. in one of the first days of class i ran into a girl that i had talked to for an hour or so after school the year before because neither of us really wanted to go home for our own seperate reasons. and for some time she was a very good friend until i royally fucked things up. thankyouverymuch. i found out much later that a lot of people actually thought we were dating and in a way we were but not really at all. and really i would rather not say much more about all of that because it brings back too many very painful memories.
that same year is when i got enrolled in an art class taught by a teacher who had gone to school with my mother and by the end of it all end up teaching me and both of my sisters to one degree or another. it was because of this class that i was kind of able to let things out which in turn allowed me to get to know people. It also started giving me more and more ideas for the whole zine thing. However because of the zine and going out to clubs to see bands and such most of the people i started getting to know were from other parts of the city country and world.
looking back on it the one thing that still amuses me is that even though i never went to any of the sporting events i went to almost all of the school dances. it was kind of because of that that i started wearing cardigans. or mr rogers sweaters as some people prefer to call them.
i let my school work slack quite a bit because of work on the zine but i always did enough to get by. i studied when i needed to pass a test and even occasionally did my homework but for the most part i got by on what i picked up in class. i felt that i was getting a better education doing what i was doing but i knew the shit would hit the fan in so many ways if i failed out or dropped out. even though there were several times were i thought about testing out with a ged. it was just that staying in school kept a lot of resources close by.
frequently i ended up having a roll and chocolate milk for lunch and then going into the library to type stuff up or pillage for paste up materials. i did that for a while and then i got smart and picked up and old manual typewriter at a thrift store. that lasted until i talked my dad into getting my an electric on for christmas on year. even though he had told me to stop doing the zine at the same time i told him i was and that there was a chance that i could get expelled for it but that was a risk i was willing to take. but i did quit. for like half an hour. and i still cant type for shit.
the following summer i got my first legitimate job as an enviroment specialist aka a janitor for enviromential services who were outsourced to clean the doctors towers at baptist medical center. i refused to work food service and this was evening hours with little supervision and little contact with the general public. plus i got to use a huge ass power vac that i would ride when no one was looking. damn that was fun but i am easily amused. of course a chunk of my checks went to zine stuff such as better pens and the like.
the suprise to a lot of people was that i saved up enough to buy my own commodore 64. i started out with just the core system and a book on programming for it and then piece by piece upgraded it until i reached the point where i needed a floppy drive to save my work. i had programmed the one out of the book that made a ball bounce around the screen and one of my own creation that made it a really expensive stobe light. really simple stuff but anything beyond that was going to need to be saved because of the time involved. i knew that if i really wanted i could buy the game cartridges for it but i never got the urge or desire. that wasnt what i bought it for.
