i fake my life like I've lived too much i take whatever you're given not enough

i've got a fuck off attitude and thats something that should be kept

i want a cool little cartoon picture of me. a lot of other people have them and they are cool. sure i could use the one i draw but that is not cool. but the fact that i draw like i write. like a four year old. and if you don't believe me take a lokk at the quick version i just did. i can do a little better but it would still look basically the same. i am not saying this because i want to be like everyone else. i am saying this because i just think it would be cool to have a cartoon representation of myself. it would definately be something i cherish. my drawing do not count on this because well my drawings never count for shit. just another one of the many things that i want but will never have. i am such a greedy little bastard. and an emotional multitard to boot. jsy thought i would share that. also, don't bother even trying to compliment my lack of artistic skill. unless of course you like having your comments met with harsh belligerence.

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on the fender were the words i wont be home tonight
pulled this from here. diferent version of this joke but the idea is still there
Husband and wife, moving house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about £8,000. He approaches the wife and asks what the eggs are for, and she replies, "Every time I cheat on you I put an egg in the box". So he says, "That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice." Then he asks what the money is for. The wife replies, "Every time I get a dozen I sell them!"

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i'm useless but not for long the future is coming on
stole this from mama2jude
A - Act your age? depends on my mood. sometimes younger, sometimes much older
B - Born on what day of the week? friday at 5 something in the morning
C - Chore you hate? sweeping because it is too much effort for the results you get
D - Dad's name? same as mine basically
E - Essential makeup item? uh, none for me, thanks
F - Favorite actor? probably tim robbins bt i really can't say for sure
G - Gold or silver? silver. always thought gold just looked tacky
H - Hometown? invalid syntax. born? raised? live?
I - Instruments you play? anything i can get my hands on though i would not really say i play them exactly
J - Job title? officially, forklift operator
K - Kids? >:-( you don't want to go there
L - Living arrangements? good question, still working on that
M - Mom's name? Annie
N - Number of people you've slept with? slept with or had sex with?
O - Overnight hospital stays? a week or so when i had mumps encephalitis
P - Phobia? autophobia, scopophobia, ochlophobia, clinophobia, anthrophobia, gymnophobia, agoraphobia, hypnophobia
Q - Quote you like? currently "in the midst of life we are in debt etc" but most of the ones i like are on my quotes page
R - Religious affiliation? i'll be damned if i know
S - Siblings? two sisters, one in each direction by three years
T - Time you wake up? depends on when and if i have gone to sleep
U - Unique habit? working on the computer, watching tv, and listening to music along with whatever else happens to come along
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat? onions because they taste horrible
W- Worst habit? not bothering to spellcheck my work after i complete. someone else can do that.
X - X-rays you've had? i have over time had my
Y - Yummy food you make? lets just assume that i do not cook
Z - Zodiac Sign? the twins. no, not those twins

feelings unknown and youre all alone flesh and bone by the telephone

i just got done talking to my friend Angela through im's. it was nice talking to her. one of the things i told her was that i missed talking to her like we used to talk. i learned so many thing from her. of the three girls, she was the one who taught me a lot of book knowledge. for that and so many other reasons she has always been one of my heros. she never cared what other people thought of her or what she did. she left oklahoma the same way i did basically. no strings attached and no plans of ever returning. she is just better at. as with most of my friends there were a few thing that hurt me really bad but i don't think i will ever go into that. i always did find it odd that of our group i was most likely the last person to see her. after she went off to school, she came back to visit family and during that visit somehow ended up at my apartment. i don't remember how or why that happened. i just remember that it was a very short visit and that she looked completelyy different than i had ever remembered her looking. then she disappeared again. the only reason i am in contact again is because she was important enough to me that i put my stalking and search skills to work to try to find her. she was not one who could be found by just calling her mother. of my girls (Her, Kelly and Monica) I always knew one of them would be there if it came down to it. they are one of the main reasons i got through high school alive. even now when i talk to them there is very little random chit chat. that come after the important stuff is taken care of. though some of it may get slipped in as side notes to other matters. it is always straight for the troat of the real truths. Angela was always best at this. no bullshit, just get to it and quick. not because she was ever in a hurry but because she could always tell when there was something getting in the way. I feel lucky that against all of aepb's problems i was able to get to know all three of them. some of the best friends i have ever had even if they are all in different states. doesn't mean i am going to let them go that easily though. i know i talk about them aas if they are all one person a lot of times. they are not at all. each one of them has very specific and unique traits that make them so special to me. plus things that were done that i only wish i could forget as easily as i forgave. just another collection of bad memories that i have to live with and battle every day. i hope that some day i get to make it to DC, so that i can harass her at work. not to mention it would be nice to hang out with her again, if only for a couple of hours. i love my girls and any time spent with them is priceless. between the three of them, they know me better than probably my parents even. it's just that some of their information is a little out of date. wouldn't take long to bring them up to date on the small stuff, since they already know the important things.

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[update same day do to questioning from Monica]

she's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand

Monica: what were all of those vague refrences about injuries and forgiving and forgetting?

this is here as explanation, so take it as you will. all in the same year, in the probable order they happened...

Monica - aepb and monica had started dating the summer before he went off to school. they had decided that they were going to continue with it as a long distance relationship. i stated numerous times my objection to this. long distance relationships never work. as time progress Moinca let it out that she had been seing someone else. we had discussed it at great length. i wasn't supposee to say anything to him and she was going to tell him when he came back for his break. it put me in a bind but i took her for her word. well he came back and after a few days he was still acting like eveerything was ok. so as we were walking one of our midnight kinko's runs when i decided it was time for me to let it out. this was two very good friends and it was a very tough choice to make, but it seemed like i was the only one that was bothered by it. i was just tired of hiding something from a friend basically. well he freaked and kicked the crap of of a bus stop bench but that was justified. the next day i got a call from Monica. she chewed my ass out for telling him and said that i had no right to. she also said that our conversations were suppose to remain between us and that she felt betrayed. in the end, i guess everyone did.

Kelly - she and i had agreed to go to her senior prom together. in our conversations i had made several jokes that i was going to go wearing a dress. it was just jokes but she took it very serious. she said she was joking about going in the first place. so the night of her prom came and i knew something was up when she didn't show up at the club with the other two. i knew it. this was one of those specific pointd that Angela knew something was up. i wass headed out side to take a breather when she grabbed my arm and asked if i would take a walk with her. like i had anything else to do. so we walked down to the hotel away from everybody. walked around for a little bit eventually we ended up sitting on a curb and talkin a little more. there was a silence and then she said "you know where kelly is, don't you?" yeah i knew. the same way she knew something was bothering me even though i had not said anything at all about it. and it helped to talk about it.

Angela - she and i had made a plan to go to martin nature center. it was a nice day to be walking the trails. eventually we ended up sitting by the stream talking about stuff. during the conversation she made a comment about how i could do anything i wanted. "anything?" so i just sat there talking. she was a friend but she always imtemidated the hell out of me. book smart, street smart, pretty and more balls than most guys, plus she was much more mature than her age. not much later we headed back to my house (parents house but whatever). once we got there we almostt immediately started making out. this went on for a few minutes and then there was the noise of the front door opening. no one was suppose to be home for quite a while, so this was a bad sign. so we halted our actions and listen to see who it was. turns out it was my father. it got uncomfortable with him being there so we said our good byes and she headed for home. so we ended up talking on the phone either that night or the next. same old conversations. then she says she has to help her mom or something. so i call Scott and we start talking about stuff. shortly he says that he has to go because Angela is there. so there are enough words exchanged that i got to here her say 'oh, shit!' in the background. i later found out that i was suppose to be a practice round. it had been a while since she had had sex with anybody and she wwanted to be in practice for him. at the time i had had sex with somewhere between zero and one people. i was not experienced so i would supposedly not notice how good she was or not. but it never happen so i will let it rest there. and here.

and people are surprised that i have trust issues. i suppose that all of this is a small part of the reason that i hold honesty above anything else in a person. but never expect it and always question every little detail. hope that answers the question.

i gave you all you all i had i gave good and bad i gave but you just threw it back

these are things i want. this is not something i generally make known but what the hell as far as i know no one is paying attention anyway. might as well, since most of my friends already know some/most of this. this is not stuff that is just going to happen over night, if it ever happens. these are long term goals and what i work for everyday hoping just one of them will get done someday. so here goes in no particular order.

1] get books done and published
-children's book
-poetry
-Indian benefit's
-my story as such
-zine pulls
2] get a degree or a few
3] get the album finished, polished and sold
4] get the movies done
-tape collage
-my life as such but different
5] break into the big picture
6] get my certs
7] kids
8] project hell/exhibit a
-notebooks
-audio
-video
-digital
9] the big payback
10] get fixed and good
11] learn to play

doesn't look like much in this form but it will all take time. some of the description are vague but these are how i always right them in my notes. some of these things are no where near as close to finished as i would like to admit. and yes i think i can get it all done at once. or at least in a staggered release/finish. these are the big ones. there are a hundred little other ones that might happen after these get done. or as a break from them. or never. this is why i have note books. i have more ideas than my head can hold. this is why i need someone to edit me and someone else to spell check me. i am not going to waste my time with that.