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empallina post! omf"b"!
so the other day i had a couple of shall we say interesting things happen...
mikey and i have this game called surge (that i have previously posted the rules to here) that we feel the need to tell everyone about. well my mother informed me that a friend of hers over heard some of here coworkers talking about something like and by the same name even. sorry but kinda goes past coincidence. maybe its because we kick so much ass.
i was having a conversation with
drublood through the clumsy myspace im client that was all about depression stuff. during that i happen to mention that i pretty much scare the hell out of my head doctors and they keep threating to put me away. mostly because i actually tell them the whole truth about my head and dont gloss it over at all like so many other patients do. hey i am getting treatment to at least try to get better even if it kills me. i figured i would share it here so that some of you have a better understanding of what lies buried in this pit. i am going to do it by question and answer using the questions i have been asked so many times in no particular order. from there i will add a little bit more not good stuff about it. so if you really think this is going to bother you stop reading now.
do you consider youself a threat to yourself or other?
other? not at all. myself? very much so
do you have suicidal thoughts?
pretty much all the time though sometimes more aggressively than others
have you ever tried to kill youself?
quite a few time actually. some with more effort and motivation than others
do you have a suicide plan? how you would do it?
not as such. it depends on the day situation whats aat hand mood that type of thing
what keeps you from trying agian?
lack of motivation. having failed so many times before i just dont really feel like explaining it if i do fail again.
do you feel like the meds are working?
not really but i am still here for now. but then i am probably not the best one to ask here.
do you have auditory hallucinations?
not anything worth noting.
do you have visual hallucinations?
i get a lot color spots. but that could be due to something else.
do you ever remember feeling happy? (this was a recent new one)
no not really. no not even as a kid.
you seem to at least have a good sense of humor...
well it makes a good cover. and i learned a long time ago i could get away with saying things a lot of times that are a lot closer to the truth than most people think but they think i am joking or some such.
this leads to discussions about how as a rule i do not right a suicide note or any of the other typical pleas for help. this is my problem and i really do prefer to keep it that way. i dont like thinking of the mental drain it will put on some one else. there is also talk about how i am prone to smack my head or hands into cement or hard wood surfaces as a means of releasing peaked anger. yes i have damaged some walls here and there but i always fix them or pay for them. but that has not happened in a while since i have learned to go for harder surfaces for maximum damage...control. another part that makes me a lillte more worrisome is the fact that i am an educated patient. when thinking clearly i know i have to stay away from spending too much time with my hands and thoughts so as to not end up in a ball in the corner. i also know what pills work and how many it usually takes and what the results can be if you survive. i have spent a lot of time online reading up on my little problems. like i can tell you sleep dep cchoclate and sex are all short term fixes for depression. not really that good of a deal when you have no appitite for food or sex and you dont want to get out of bed. you get the basic ideas.
a certian ex of mine used to say that she expected to wake up one day and i would just be gone. yeah i kind of do too.
so there you have it. or at least most of the basics. i am not asking for sympathy. i am just running it up the flag pole for all to see. and no its not going to be ok. at least not anytime soon.
in other randomness...
i still have packages that need to get mailed out pdq. and that means some of you. i actually have to add to some of them even.
i will try to do a post on trek expo etc very soon. with pictures even. very busy time and ufortunately i didnt get the chance to hang out with mr and mrs. couldnt even call at a resonable hour. poop.
my camera is kinda fubar right now so that may be the last of the pictures for some time. pretending that i only have one camera of course.
i will do a typical mememe post soon as well. mostly completed already.
rock on with your bad selves.
so the other day i had a couple of shall we say interesting things happen...
mikey and i have this game called surge (that i have previously posted the rules to here) that we feel the need to tell everyone about. well my mother informed me that a friend of hers over heard some of here coworkers talking about something like and by the same name even. sorry but kinda goes past coincidence. maybe its because we kick so much ass.
i was having a conversation with
drublood through the clumsy myspace im client that was all about depression stuff. during that i happen to mention that i pretty much scare the hell out of my head doctors and they keep threating to put me away. mostly because i actually tell them the whole truth about my head and dont gloss it over at all like so many other patients do. hey i am getting treatment to at least try to get better even if it kills me. i figured i would share it here so that some of you have a better understanding of what lies buried in this pit. i am going to do it by question and answer using the questions i have been asked so many times in no particular order. from there i will add a little bit more not good stuff about it. so if you really think this is going to bother you stop reading now.do you consider youself a threat to yourself or other?
other? not at all. myself? very much so
do you have suicidal thoughts?
pretty much all the time though sometimes more aggressively than others
have you ever tried to kill youself?
quite a few time actually. some with more effort and motivation than others
do you have a suicide plan? how you would do it?
not as such. it depends on the day situation whats aat hand mood that type of thing
what keeps you from trying agian?
lack of motivation. having failed so many times before i just dont really feel like explaining it if i do fail again.
do you feel like the meds are working?
not really but i am still here for now. but then i am probably not the best one to ask here.
do you have auditory hallucinations?
not anything worth noting.
do you have visual hallucinations?
i get a lot color spots. but that could be due to something else.
do you ever remember feeling happy? (this was a recent new one)
no not really. no not even as a kid.
you seem to at least have a good sense of humor...
well it makes a good cover. and i learned a long time ago i could get away with saying things a lot of times that are a lot closer to the truth than most people think but they think i am joking or some such.
this leads to discussions about how as a rule i do not right a suicide note or any of the other typical pleas for help. this is my problem and i really do prefer to keep it that way. i dont like thinking of the mental drain it will put on some one else. there is also talk about how i am prone to smack my head or hands into cement or hard wood surfaces as a means of releasing peaked anger. yes i have damaged some walls here and there but i always fix them or pay for them. but that has not happened in a while since i have learned to go for harder surfaces for maximum damage...control. another part that makes me a lillte more worrisome is the fact that i am an educated patient. when thinking clearly i know i have to stay away from spending too much time with my hands and thoughts so as to not end up in a ball in the corner. i also know what pills work and how many it usually takes and what the results can be if you survive. i have spent a lot of time online reading up on my little problems. like i can tell you sleep dep cchoclate and sex are all short term fixes for depression. not really that good of a deal when you have no appitite for food or sex and you dont want to get out of bed. you get the basic ideas.
a certian ex of mine used to say that she expected to wake up one day and i would just be gone. yeah i kind of do too.
so there you have it. or at least most of the basics. i am not asking for sympathy. i am just running it up the flag pole for all to see. and no its not going to be ok. at least not anytime soon.
in other randomness...
i still have packages that need to get mailed out pdq. and that means some of you. i actually have to add to some of them even.
i will try to do a post on trek expo etc very soon. with pictures even. very busy time and ufortunately i didnt get the chance to hang out with mr and mrs. couldnt even call at a resonable hour. poop.
my camera is kinda fubar right now so that may be the last of the pictures for some time. pretending that i only have one camera of course.
i will do a typical mememe post soon as well. mostly completed already.
rock on with your bad selves.
