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empallindear charles,
tell g i jodie i want to know when she is planning on coming back for a visit. also tell her she needs to email me at my gmail account before i smack her. kthnksbi.
dammit,
allin
my younger sister sent this one to me. a modern 'whos on first' but not near as funny.
costello calls to buy a computer from abbott
abbott: super duper computer store. can i help you?
costello: thanks. i'm setting up an office in my den and i'm thinking about buying a computer.
abbott: mac?
costello: no, the name's lou.
abbott: your computer?
costello: i don't own a computer. i want to buy one.
abbott: mac?
costello: i told you, my name's lou.
abbott: what about windows?
costello: why? will it get stuffy in here?
abbott: do you want a computer with windows?
costello: i don't know. what will i see when i look in the windows?
abbott: wallpaper.
costello: never mind the windows. i need a computer and software.
abbott: software for windows?
costello: no. on the computer! i need something i can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. what have you got?
abbott: office.
costello: yeah, for my office. can you recommend anything?
abbott: i just did.
costello: you just did what?
abbott: recommend something.
costello: you recommended something?
abbott: yes.
costello: for my office?
abbott: yes.
costello: ok, what did you recommend for my office?
abbott: office.
costello: yes, for my office!
abbott: i recommend office with windows.
costello: i already have an office with windows! ok, lets just say i'm sitting at my computer and i want to type a proposal. what do i need?
abbott: word.
costello: what word?
abbott: word in office.
costello: the only word in office is office.
abbott: the word in office for windows.
costello: which word in office for windows?
abbott: the word you get when you click the blue "w".
costello: i'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. ok, forget that. can i watch movies on the internet?
abbott: yes, you want real one.
costello: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. what i watch is none of your business. just tell me what i need!
abbott: real one.
costello: if it's a long movie i also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. can i watch them?
abbott: of course.
costello: great! with what?
abbott: real one.
costello: ok, i'm at my computer and i want to watch a movie. what do i do?
abbott: you click the blue "1".
costello: i click the blue one what?
abbott: the blue "1".
costello: is that different from the blue w?
abbott: the blue "1" is real one and the blue "w" is word.
costello: what word?
abbott: the word in office for windows.
costello: but there are three words in "office for windows"!
abbott: no, just one. but it' s the most popular word in the world.
costello: it is?
abbott: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. it pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
costello: and that word is real one?
abbott: real one has nothing to do with word. real one isn't even part of office.
costello: stop! don't start that again. what about financial bookkeeping? you have anything i can track my money with?
abbott: money. !
costello: that's right. what do you have?
abbott: money.
costello: i need money to track my money?
abbott: it comes bundled with your computer.
costello: what's bundled with my computer?
abbott: money.
costello: money comes with my computer?
abbott: yes. no extra charge.
costello: i get a bundle of money with my computer? how much?
abbott: one copy.
costello: isn't it illegal to copy money?
abbott: microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
costello: they can give you a license to copy money?
abbott: why not? they own it!
a few days later...
abbott: super duper computer store. can i help you?
costello: how do i turn my computer off?
abbott: click on "start"..........
feygrrl sent this one to me and thought i would share it for those in and around florida who have not seen it. and its current even.
hurricane humor
we're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. any day now, you're going to turn on the tv and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the gulf of mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) there is no need to panic.
(2) we could all be killed.
yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in florida. if you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that this is the big one. based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
1. buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
2. put these supplies into your car.
3. drive to ohio and remain there until halloween.
unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. most people will foolishly stay here in florida.
we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
hurricane insurance:
if you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
1. it is reasonably well-built
2. it is located in ohio.
unfortunately, if your home is located in florida or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
shutters:
your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. there are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
plywood shutters:
the advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. the disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
sheet-metal shutters:
the advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. the disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be december.
roll-down shutters:
the advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. the disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
hurricane-proof windows:
these are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. they look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! you can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. he lives in ohio.
hurricane proofing your property:
as the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
evacuation route:
if you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (to determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "florida," you live in a low-lying area).
the purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. so, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
hurricane supplies:
if you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. do not buy them now! florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of spam.
in addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that won't work or will be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. bleach. (no, i don't know what the bleach is for. nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. a big knife that you can strap to your leg. (this will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
4. a large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there will be irate alligators.)
of course these are just basic precautions. as the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching tv reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
good luck, and remember: it's great living in paradise.
since radio stations never seem to announce songs anymore i had to figure this one out for several people. but come on who listens to the radio anyway.
bowling for soup - 1985
woohoo x 2
debbie just hit the wall
she never had it all
one prozac a day
husbands a cpa
her dreams went out the door
when she turned twenty four
only been with one man
what happened to her plan?
she was gonna be an actress
she was gonna be a star
she was gonna shake her ass
on the hood of white snake’s car
her yellow suv is now the enemy
looks at her average life
and nothing has been alright
since bruce springsteen, madonna
way before nirvana
there was u2 and blondie
and music still on mtv
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
'cause she still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1985
woohoo
(1985)
woohoo
she’s seen all the classics
she knows every line
breakfast club, pretty in pink
even st. elmos fire
she rocked out to wham
not a big limp bizkit fan
thought she'd get a hand
on a member of duran duran
where's the mini-skirt made of snake skin
and who's the other guy singing in van halen
and when did reality become t.v.
what ever happen to sitcoms, game shows
(on the radio was)
springsteen, madonna
way before nirvana
there was u2 and blondie
and music still on mtv
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
'cause she still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1985
woohoo x4
she hates time make it stop
when did motley crew become classic rock?
and when did ozzy become an actor?
please make this stop, stop, stop,(tick tick tick)
and bring back
springsteen, madonna
way before nirvana
there was u2 and blondie
and music still on mtv
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
'cause she still preoccupied
with 1985
springsteen, madonna
way before nirvana
there was u2 and blondie
and music still on mtv
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
'cause she still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1985
ok i put this in here just so i could say some thing about the bush twins. bush twins. bush twins. bush twins. i think i saw that video once. or twice.
a special message from jenna and barbara bush...
dear allin,
we're sure that you have no doubt who we'll be voting for in november. but you should also know that we would be voting for our dad in this election even if he had not raised us, loved us, tutored us, coached us, and even listened to a few excuses from us for late curfews. we have been privileged to know our president personally and we know he is the right person to lead our country - especially when there are so many important issues at stake.
our dad has qualities that are needed in a good president - loyalty, humor (embarrassing as it sometimes may be), compassion, and, most importantly, integrity. we're not the only ones who see it. in fact, our friends - from varying political backgrounds - are supporting our dad in november. not only because of his decisions to liberate the women of afghanistan or bring freedom to the people of iraq, but because during the last ten years they met a man whose title was governor or president, but who was always happy to be known as "our dad." he made everyone feel welcome and comfortable in our house (except for the occasional boyfriend) and our friends got to know him as a really good guy.
we know that when you get to know his record as president, you too will feel compelled to participate in this year's election - and hopefully get involved in the campaign, too. we know it can be hard to find time to think about politics. we just graduated from college and are perfectly aware that schoolwork, parties, and extra-curricular activities keep students busy, away from campaigns and voting booths. in the last election, less than half of 18- to 24-year-olds were registered to vote, and only 32% of them actually did vote. sadly, many americans our age did not take advantage of their right to vote.
we are asking you to get involved with this campaign not only because it is the most critical election of our lifetime, but also because we have the ability to positively change our future. please encourage your friends to sign up on the campaign's web site (www.georgewbush.com) and register to vote online. at the web site you'll also find a lot of information about how to get involved in our dad's re-election campaign. it's an easy process, and it's the best way to have a say in this year's election.
thanks for taking a few minutes to think about some big issues. this is a really important election, and we know that with your help our dad will win in november.
and this one is here because i said so dammit
the catastrophe shop
tell g i jodie i want to know when she is planning on coming back for a visit. also tell her she needs to email me at my gmail account before i smack her. kthnksbi.
dammit,
allin
my younger sister sent this one to me. a modern 'whos on first' but not near as funny.
costello calls to buy a computer from abbott
abbott: super duper computer store. can i help you?
costello: thanks. i'm setting up an office in my den and i'm thinking about buying a computer.
abbott: mac?
costello: no, the name's lou.
abbott: your computer?
costello: i don't own a computer. i want to buy one.
abbott: mac?
costello: i told you, my name's lou.
abbott: what about windows?
costello: why? will it get stuffy in here?
abbott: do you want a computer with windows?
costello: i don't know. what will i see when i look in the windows?
abbott: wallpaper.
costello: never mind the windows. i need a computer and software.
abbott: software for windows?
costello: no. on the computer! i need something i can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. what have you got?
abbott: office.
costello: yeah, for my office. can you recommend anything?
abbott: i just did.
costello: you just did what?
abbott: recommend something.
costello: you recommended something?
abbott: yes.
costello: for my office?
abbott: yes.
costello: ok, what did you recommend for my office?
abbott: office.
costello: yes, for my office!
abbott: i recommend office with windows.
costello: i already have an office with windows! ok, lets just say i'm sitting at my computer and i want to type a proposal. what do i need?
abbott: word.
costello: what word?
abbott: word in office.
costello: the only word in office is office.
abbott: the word in office for windows.
costello: which word in office for windows?
abbott: the word you get when you click the blue "w".
costello: i'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. ok, forget that. can i watch movies on the internet?
abbott: yes, you want real one.
costello: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. what i watch is none of your business. just tell me what i need!
abbott: real one.
costello: if it's a long movie i also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. can i watch them?
abbott: of course.
costello: great! with what?
abbott: real one.
costello: ok, i'm at my computer and i want to watch a movie. what do i do?
abbott: you click the blue "1".
costello: i click the blue one what?
abbott: the blue "1".
costello: is that different from the blue w?
abbott: the blue "1" is real one and the blue "w" is word.
costello: what word?
abbott: the word in office for windows.
costello: but there are three words in "office for windows"!
abbott: no, just one. but it' s the most popular word in the world.
costello: it is?
abbott: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. it pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
costello: and that word is real one?
abbott: real one has nothing to do with word. real one isn't even part of office.
costello: stop! don't start that again. what about financial bookkeeping? you have anything i can track my money with?
abbott: money. !
costello: that's right. what do you have?
abbott: money.
costello: i need money to track my money?
abbott: it comes bundled with your computer.
costello: what's bundled with my computer?
abbott: money.
costello: money comes with my computer?
abbott: yes. no extra charge.
costello: i get a bundle of money with my computer? how much?
abbott: one copy.
costello: isn't it illegal to copy money?
abbott: microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
costello: they can give you a license to copy money?
abbott: why not? they own it!
a few days later...
abbott: super duper computer store. can i help you?
costello: how do i turn my computer off?
abbott: click on "start"..........
feygrrl sent this one to me and thought i would share it for those in and around florida who have not seen it. and its current even.hurricane humor
we're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. any day now, you're going to turn on the tv and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the gulf of mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) there is no need to panic.
(2) we could all be killed.
yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in florida. if you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that this is the big one. based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
1. buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
2. put these supplies into your car.
3. drive to ohio and remain there until halloween.
unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. most people will foolishly stay here in florida.
we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
hurricane insurance:
if you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
1. it is reasonably well-built
2. it is located in ohio.
unfortunately, if your home is located in florida or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
shutters:
your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. there are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
plywood shutters:
the advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. the disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
sheet-metal shutters:
the advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. the disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be december.
roll-down shutters:
the advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. the disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
hurricane-proof windows:
these are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. they look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! you can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. he lives in ohio.
hurricane proofing your property:
as the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
evacuation route:
if you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (to determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "florida," you live in a low-lying area).
the purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. so, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
hurricane supplies:
if you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. do not buy them now! florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of spam.
in addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that won't work or will be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. bleach. (no, i don't know what the bleach is for. nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. a big knife that you can strap to your leg. (this will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
4. a large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there will be irate alligators.)
of course these are just basic precautions. as the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching tv reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
good luck, and remember: it's great living in paradise.
since radio stations never seem to announce songs anymore i had to figure this one out for several people. but come on who listens to the radio anyway.
bowling for soup - 1985
woohoo x 2
debbie just hit the wall
she never had it all
one prozac a day
husbands a cpa
her dreams went out the door
when she turned twenty four
only been with one man
what happened to her plan?
she was gonna be an actress
she was gonna be a star
she was gonna shake her ass
on the hood of white snake’s car
her yellow suv is now the enemy
looks at her average life
and nothing has been alright
since bruce springsteen, madonna
way before nirvana
there was u2 and blondie
and music still on mtv
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
'cause she still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1985
woohoo
(1985)
woohoo
she’s seen all the classics
she knows every line
breakfast club, pretty in pink
even st. elmos fire
she rocked out to wham
not a big limp bizkit fan
thought she'd get a hand
on a member of duran duran
where's the mini-skirt made of snake skin
and who's the other guy singing in van halen
and when did reality become t.v.
what ever happen to sitcoms, game shows
(on the radio was)
springsteen, madonna
way before nirvana
there was u2 and blondie
and music still on mtv
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
'cause she still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1985
woohoo x4
she hates time make it stop
when did motley crew become classic rock?
and when did ozzy become an actor?
please make this stop, stop, stop,(tick tick tick)
and bring back
springsteen, madonna
way before nirvana
there was u2 and blondie
and music still on mtv
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
'cause she still preoccupied
with 1985
springsteen, madonna
way before nirvana
there was u2 and blondie
and music still on mtv
her two kids in high school
they tell her that she’s uncool
'cause she still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1985
ok i put this in here just so i could say some thing about the bush twins. bush twins. bush twins. bush twins. i think i saw that video once. or twice.
a special message from jenna and barbara bush...
dear allin,
we're sure that you have no doubt who we'll be voting for in november. but you should also know that we would be voting for our dad in this election even if he had not raised us, loved us, tutored us, coached us, and even listened to a few excuses from us for late curfews. we have been privileged to know our president personally and we know he is the right person to lead our country - especially when there are so many important issues at stake.
our dad has qualities that are needed in a good president - loyalty, humor (embarrassing as it sometimes may be), compassion, and, most importantly, integrity. we're not the only ones who see it. in fact, our friends - from varying political backgrounds - are supporting our dad in november. not only because of his decisions to liberate the women of afghanistan or bring freedom to the people of iraq, but because during the last ten years they met a man whose title was governor or president, but who was always happy to be known as "our dad." he made everyone feel welcome and comfortable in our house (except for the occasional boyfriend) and our friends got to know him as a really good guy.
we know that when you get to know his record as president, you too will feel compelled to participate in this year's election - and hopefully get involved in the campaign, too. we know it can be hard to find time to think about politics. we just graduated from college and are perfectly aware that schoolwork, parties, and extra-curricular activities keep students busy, away from campaigns and voting booths. in the last election, less than half of 18- to 24-year-olds were registered to vote, and only 32% of them actually did vote. sadly, many americans our age did not take advantage of their right to vote.
we are asking you to get involved with this campaign not only because it is the most critical election of our lifetime, but also because we have the ability to positively change our future. please encourage your friends to sign up on the campaign's web site (www.georgewbush.com) and register to vote online. at the web site you'll also find a lot of information about how to get involved in our dad's re-election campaign. it's an easy process, and it's the best way to have a say in this year's election.
thanks for taking a few minutes to think about some big issues. this is a really important election, and we know that with your help our dad will win in november.
jenna and barbara bush
and this one is here because i said so dammit
the catastrophe shop
